Am I There, Yet?

I was posting some pictures and some thoughts on Randy’s death and funeral last night and discovered something really goosebumpy.  On Wednesday morning (April 13^th) I woke up from a very disturbing dream about my dad dying.  It was so impressionable I blogged about it.  Fast forward one week.  On Wednesday morning (April 20^th) I woke up to a very disturbing phone call that my cousin passed away.  Randy is actually my dad’s 1^st cousin, so I guess that makes him my 2^nd cousin.  We’re a very close family and it was very traumatic for us all.   

Heart disease runs rampant in my family.  Heart attacks have killed a lot of men in my family, including my grandpa (he was 52) and Randy’s dad.  Randy was the one so determined to beat it and he encouraged other men in my family to eat healthy and stay healthy so that heart disease wouldn’t kick our butts again.

My dad has prostate cancer.  That threw us all for a loop.  We all knew that heart disease was a threat, but nobody thought that cancer would show its puny, scaredy-cat little face around us.  Here’s the kicker.  During Randy’s autopsy, they discovered that it was indeed a heart attack that killed him.  But, they also discovered 2 tumors in his kidneys that were thought to be cancerous.  That scared the crap out of all of us.

After I blogged my dream on the 13^th I went to check my email and saw an article on my home page about the top 10 killers of men in America.  #1 was heart disease and #2 was cancer.  I remember thinking about how ironic it was that my dad and his brothers and cousins were so concerned about heart disease and that it was cancer that is now threatening my dad’s life.  Come to find out, both are still imminent threats. 

I don’t mean to be so morbid right now…I’m just trying to process it all.  I don’t want to live in fear…I want to make the most of the time we have left.  But, life is so temporary.  The truth is that none of us know how much time we have left to live.  We only have one chance, and I want to make the most of it.

Randy,

We will all miss you, tons.  Many people love you and came to say good-bye.  Many tears have been shed.  It was so difficult to say good-bye.  Tell your dad, Uncle Raymond and my grandpa that I said, “Hi!” and that I can’t wait to see them again.  I can’t wait to see you again, too.  We’ll especially miss you at the family reunions, but I know you’re having a fabulous family reunion with those who left us before you.

Until we meet again…

It is with deep sadness that Sheriff Bill Cogbill announces the death of Deputy Sheriff Randy Johnson. Deputy Johnson, age 51, was found lying on the floor and unresponsive, in the exercise room of the Sheriff’s Headquarters building 11:15 P.M. on April 19, 2005 by a fellow employee. Emergency medical personnel were called but he was pronounced dead at the scene from what appeared to be natural causes. Deputy Johnson had completed his normal patrol shift at the Guerneville Substation at approximately 9:30 P.M. and returned to the Headquarters building to workout.

Deputy Johnson was hired by the Sonoma County Sheriff’s Department on October 15, 1990 as a Correctional Officer where he worked both in the Main Adult Detention Facility and at the North County Detention Facility. On March 15, 1994, Deputy Johnson was hired as a Deputy Sheriff and assigned to the Patrol Bureau. Deputy Johnson’s patrol assignments included working out of the Santa Rosa Headquarters building, in the Town of Windsor and since February 22, 2000 he was assigned to the Guerneville Substation. Deputy Johnson’s collateral assignments included being a motor officer while assigned to the Town of Windsor and most recently a Field Training Officer and an Emergency Vehicle Driving Instructor. Prior to Deputy Johnson’s service with Sonoma County he served as a reserve Police Officer for the Eureka Police Department.

Deputy Johnson was well liked by both his peers and the communities he served. This is exemplified in the following quote from a letter sent to the department: “I just wanted to drop a line expressing my sincerest appreciation for the way you handled my arrest. Your kind words of encouragement and your compassion during a volatile situation gives me a renewed faith in our law enforcement”. Randy will be missed by many.

An autopsy is pending to determine the exact cause of death. Deputy Johnson was a resident of Fortuna, California and is survived by his wife and two children. Funeral arraignments are pending.

Further inquiries should be directed to Lt. Roger V. Rude at 707-565-1125.

I found this on the back of my daughter’s Starbucks cup:

Mother-love is not inevitable.

The good mother is a great artist ever

creating beauty out of chaos.

–Alice Randall

Novelist, The Wind Done Gone

and first black woman to write

a No. 1 country song.

Chaos:  1. disorder—a state of complete disorder and confusion.

Beauty:  1. pleasing and impressive qualities—the combination of qualities that make something pleasing and impressive to listen to or touch, or especially to look at.

            4. fine example—something very good, attractive, or impressive of its kind.

Chaos is a word I am highly familiar with.  As a stay at home mom, rarely do I find a moment that is tranquil. 

Serenity 

Quietness 

Relaxed 

Peacefulness

Stillness

Calmness

These are words I am not familiar with.  They are strangers in my home.

How do I create beauty out of chaos?  As one of the main influencers in my children’s lives, how do I creatively shape my children into the thriving young people they were meant to be without breaking their spirit?

There are some things that I do well when it comes to parenting.  I kiss and cuddle my kids.  I read to them.  I constantly tell them I love them.  I’m consistent with my discipline of choice.  I love and respect their father and don’t argue or fight with him in front of the kids.

There are some things that I don’t do well when it comes to parenting.  I yell when I’m frustrated.  I would rather let them watch TV than have to sit down and entertain them.  I don’t always feed them healthy foods.  I sometimes forget to brush and floss their teeth.  I bribe them.  Sometimes I let them duke it out with each other in a fight because I don’t feel like interfering. 

I’ve read parenting books.  The only thing I’ve really learned from those books is that every parenting book conflicts with other parenting books.  Every child psychologist has a different opinion.  I’ve watched Super Nanny and have gotten some great tips.  I use the “nau-ee” chair.

“Creating beauty out of chaos.”  I guess that means to take an unfortunate event and use it as a learning experience.  Right now I’m looking at my front room and there are books scattered all over the floor.  Chaos.  My 2 year old decided to take all of the books off the shelf and scatter them everywhere.  How can I create beauty out this situation?  I suppose I could encourage him to pick up the books by making a game of it and then praise him for a job well done.  He likes to be considered a “big boy.”  He likes to build towers.  Maybe we could pick up the books by building a book tower.  But, his reward for building towers is being able to knock them over…that may not be the best idea in this situation.  If I could teach him how to pick up his toys then he’ll learn to take pride in his work.  He’ll learn responsibility and he’ll learn to take care of his things.  Maybe.  I’m hopeful. 

My daughter is a different story.  She’s a drama queen.  I never know if she’s really hurt because she screams at every prick and poke.  She’s a strong overreacter.  How do I create beauty out of her chaos?  How do I encourage her not to panic in situations?  If I can teach her not to panic or overreact, she’ll be more prepared for life.  I try to stay calm in every one of her “tragedies”.  I encourage her to stop and think about what is happening and to “use her words” to explain the situation instead of just screaming bloody murder.  I guess I can just hope and pray that one day it’ll sink into her brain and she’ll react properly to whatever situation she’s facing.

Another way to create beauty out of chaos is to take difficult circumstances and use them as learning experiences.  Or, it may be that the circumstance is not necessarily difficult.  It may be that it’s easier for me to not take advantage of learning time.  For example, my 2 year old loves to help me in the kitchen.  If I’m washing dishes, he’s there.  If I’m cooking, he’s there.  It’s easier for me to do it all myself, but to create beauty in his life, I need to teach him how to help me.  Chaos is when he tries to do it on his own.  He’s notorious for digging stuff out of my cabinets and pretending to cook.  If I gave him that outlet in an organized manner, he may not feel the need to make a mess.  Maybe not.  I guess it’s worth the try.

I’ll have to think about this some more.  I’ve been a mother for 4 and ½ years and I’m still trying to figure this mom-thing out.

Right after I posted my last entry about my dream, I ran across this article on MSN Health and Fitness:  http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100050685?GT1=6327

Here’s a snapshot of the 10 leading killers of American men in 2002:

No. 2 — Cancer

In 2002, 288,768 men died of cancer, the second-leading cause of death for both sexes. Lung cancer — 90 percent of it caused by cigarette smoking — is the most common cause of cancer death in both sexes. In 2002, it killed 90,171 men.

Prostate cancer and colorectal cancer — both of which are associated with a high-fat diet — are the second- and third-leading causes of cancer death in men. In 2002, they claimed 30,466 and 28,501 men’s lives, respectively.

Some preventive measures you can take:

• Don’t smoke or use other tobacco products.

   

• Eat a varied diet, rich in fruits, vegetables and low-fat foods.

   

• Maintain a healthy weight.

   

• Get at least 30 minutes of exercise most days of the week.

   

• Limit your exposure to sun and use sunscreen.

   

• Drink alcohol only in moderation, if at all.

   

• Be aware of potential cancer-causing substances (carcinogens) in your home and workplace, and take steps to reduce your exposure to these substances.

   

• Have regular preventive health screenings.

   

• Know your family medical history and review it with your doctor.

   

I had a disturbing dream last night.  I dreamt that my dad died.  There wasn’t a death or funeral scene…it was just about us existing without him.  I must’ve been in the shock stage of my grieving process, because I had to keep reminding myself (in my dream) that he was gone.  It was very difficult to watch my mom go through life without him.

What a relief to wake up and discover it was only a dream.

I don’t really know why I dreamt it.  He’s feeling healthy and his oncologist is very pleased with how he’s doing.  Perhaps I dreamt it because I ran into a friend yesterday who just lost her husband to pneumonia.  Well, it was actually leukemia that killed him, but the pneumonia just sped up the process.  It was extremely heart wrenching to talk to her.  She was pretty weepy.  I wished that there was something I could do for her.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a place where there was no death or pain or cancer or leukemia? 

My kids stayed at my parents’ house last weekend while J and I were in Pasadena .  I got this email from my mom yesterday.  She was just reporting in about her weekend with the kids.  I’m so thankful that my kids live near their grandparents and have a good relationship with them.  I didn’t realize that my 4 year old had picked up on my dad’s health/cancer thing…

We really had a lot of fun with the kids this weekend.  They’re always so good for us, and I got some good cuddle time with both of them (I’ll take it while I can get it!). 

We were making grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch one day and T asked if he could have cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich.  They helped me make whole wheat chocolate chip cookies for Grandpa on Friday (tastier than it sounds). 

Great-grandma took them for a walk to their new house, then back to our house and down to the stop sign. They took cookies with them on their walk.  I mentioned something about homemade applesauce being better than store-bought, and L asked if I’d teach her how to make applesauce.  So we had more cooking lessons on Saturday. 

We rented Veggie Tales Jonah and watched it twice.  Also bought a Memory card game with colorful pictures (T does amazingly well for a 2-year-old).  We went to Ben & Jerry’s to spend a gift certificate that someone had given me.  L was concerned that Grandpa was eating ice cream: “Does that have sugar in it?”  When we explained it was sorbet and healthier than ice cream, she said, “Because you’re a little bit sick and have to eat only healthy foods, huh.” 

All for now!

Love,

Mom

I was bored tonight and decided to google my screen name (mountaingirl).  Here are some of the more interesting facts about me…well these really aren’t about me, they are facts about other mountaingirls on the web.

1. I make hippy patchwork skirts
2. I like to mountain climb
3. I’m single and 26 looking for interesting people
4. My name is Sara and I’m 24 and married and love beauty products.
5. I’m a world traveling backpacker
6. I live in
   Virginia and love organic gardening
7. I’m from Canada and have eclectic taste in music
8. I’m a couch potato (and proud of it)
9. I’m in recovery
10. I’m single and 57 in PA looking for a male
11. I love home improvement
12. I’m looking for my best friend (and found her)
13. I’ve traveled to Russia
14. I have white hair and wear purple hats
15. I broke my kneecap
16. I’m looking for a job
17. I’m a horse
18. I speak French
19. I live in the UK
20. I have a pit bull named Elle
21. I speak Dutch and my real name is Heidi
22.  I’m interested in losing weight
23. I’m a retired nurse interested in helping others with breast cancer
24. I’m 93 and live in California
25. I like Psychedelic art
26. I’m a much loved dog
27. I had my picture taken in a Japanese newspaper
28. I love reality TV
29. I’m a single parent traveling to Puerto Rico and looking for a companion
30. My name is Cassandra and I’m 13 and want to lose weight
31. I love cycling
32. I enjoy cross country skiing
33. I’m looking for my tribe
34. I’m interested in philosophy
35. I’m into yoga and nature sounds
36. I’m a Hispanic single
37. I’m a widow named Barbara
38. I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in anthropology and was recently in Iraq
39. I’m into conspiracy theories
40. I’d like to buy a jeep
41. I’m a Washington County Soccer Club referee
42. I’m a big fan of Pres Bush
43. I speak German
44. My name is Alexandra and was born in 1972 in Scharnstein
45. I’m a 26 y.o. swf animal lover in Boulder, CO
46. I’m a poet
47. I’m a social event planner at Wake Forest
48. I’m a Hindu
49. I’m a Christian
50. I love fishing
51. I’m a fan of Charlotte Church
52. I’m a flight attendant
53. I’m a Buddhist
54. I have 2 kids ages 10 & 7 and like to vacation in Death Valley
55. I’ve purchased Ebay items
56. My name is Keesha and I’m 23
57. I’m 24 and trying to become a model
58. I’m a new mom suffering from post partum depression
59. I love tropical fish
60. I’m a 45 year old female from New Zealand
61. I’m a floral assistant in North Carolina
62. My name is Kelli and I am a secretary in Virginia
63. I play volleyball
64. I have cancer
65. I’m a doctor in Switzerland
66. I’m a fan of Clay Aiken
67. I’m a fan of Bob Dylan
68. I have Fibromyalgia

Actually, a couple of those really are me (I came up in my own google search) but I’m not telling which ones! 

(Dumb song...but thought it was appropriate)

It's the little old lady from 
Pasadena 

The little old lady from Pasadena

Has a pretty little flower bed of white gardenias

But parked in a rickety old garage

Is a brand new, shiny red Super Stock Dodge 

And everybody's sayin' that there's nobody meaner

Than the little old lady from Pasadena 

(She drives real fast and she drives real hard) 

She's the terror of Colorado Boulevard 

It's the little old lady from Pasadena 

If you see her on the street don't try to choose her 

You might drive a goer but you'll never lose her 

Well, she's gonna get a ticket now sooner or later 

'Cause she can't keep her foot off the accelerator 

(Go, Granny, go, Granny, go Granny go) 

The guys come to race her for miles around 

But she'll give 'em a length and then she'll shut 'em down 

I just spent the weekend in
Pasadena with J.  It was my 30^th birthday and we had a fabulous time.  It was so much fun to spend a weekend away with no responsibilities and no kids.  On Friday night we met up with some friends for dinner at The Cheesecake Factory.  We had to stand in line for an hour to get a table, but it was well worth it.  On Saturday we slept in and had the attitude of let’s just do whatever we feel like doing today.  We spent some time at Paseo Colorado, ate a leisurely lunch, saw a movie.  We mostly soaked in the sunshine and went shopping.  Oh, did I mention we stopped in at a tattoo shop and got another tattoo?  (Sorry, Deb…I know that was something we were supposed to do together.)  It’s a purple lily and it’s a little bit bigger than my fist.  It’s very pretty.

I love southern California.  I love the diversity.  I love the ethnicity.  I love the different languages.  There’s no place like it.  One thing I noticed is that everybody is skinny.  I know this is really bad (I’m going to reveal a bit of my dark side), but I bet J that he couldn’t find a person that would be considered obese.  It took us over an hour to find one.  I’m not prejudice against obese people; I was just making an observation.  (You still owe me 2 bucks, J!)

Oh!  I also saw the little old lady from Pasadena!  It had to be her.  She had a crocheted shamrock green hat and her stockings hung down by her ankles.  She wore orthopedic shoes and carried an umbrella, a fabric shopping bag and a cane.  She was adorable! 

J likes to spoil me.  Not only did I get a weekend away, I also got a gift certificate for a facial and some unmentionables from Victoria’s Secret.  But he was good and got things he knew I would like, not things he would prefer for me to wear.  J  He is also quick to remind me that I’m getting a new house and furniture for my birthday.  I tell him not to spoil me too much because next year will be a big disappointment if he can’t deliver like he did this year.  J 

Thanks for a wonderful weekend, J!  I love you!