Am I There, Yet?

I read the most amazing blog tonight.  It was so moving that I was in tears while I reading it.  I’m not going to give it away…I’ll let her tell the story in her own words:

http://www.feracious.blogspot.com/

What an amazing, strong and brave woman.  I applaud her.

I’ve been reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.  It is the recent book from Oprah’s Book Club.  I finished the first section last night and here are the questions from Oprah’s website.

PAGES 1–109

1. A Million Little Pieces presents some unusual formal innovations: Instead of using quotation marks, each piece of dialogue is set off on its own line with only occasional authorial indications of who is speaking; paragraphs are not indented; sentences sometimes run together without punctuation; and many passages read more like poetry than prose. How do these innovations affect the pace of the writing? How do they contribute to the book’s rawness and immediacy?

I love these unusual innovations.  Frey is struggling through a very confusing and complicated time in his life and his methods of writing this book is a pure reflection of his jumbled and confused thoughts.  I don’t know if this book would be as impacting if it were eloquent and followed all the rules.

2. A Million Little Pieces is a nonfiction memoir, but does it also read like a novel? How does Frey create suspense and sustain narrative tension throughout?

It does read like a novel.  It’s a powerful story.  We don’t know how it will end.  I am assuming he didn’t commit suicide because he lived to write the story.  J  We are just now getting a picture of the past and what circumstances brought Frey to the clinic.  There are stories within the story that makes me want to scream at Frey because I want to hear more details of people like Ray and Leonard.  What’s their story?  Why do they do what they do?  I’m hoping we’ll find out…then again, this is Frey’s journey and that would take away from his story.

3. James is frequently torn between wanting to look into his own eyes to see himself completely and being afraid of what he might find: “I want to look beneath the surface of the pale green and see what’s inside of me, what’s within me, what I’m hiding. I start to look up but I turn away.” (p. 32). Why can’t James look himself in the eye? Why is it important that he do so?

I kind of wonder if it has to do with the question he couldn’t answer on the evaluation test.  He knows that he did this to himself and takes ownership for it, not blaming anybody else.  I think he’s afraid to see the true monster he has become, even though he intuitively already knows.  There have been plenty of people around him who are happy to point this out to him.  I also think he may be afraid to see what’s missing in his eyes.  The eyes are a reflection of the soul and he doesn’t want to see that.  I don’t know if it is important that he looks himself in the eyes at this point in the story, but I do believe it is vital for his healing.  He needs to recognize his pain in order to get past the anger and past whatever it is that is bringing him down. 

4. After meeting with the Doctor (p. 93), James feels as though he’s been given a death sentence and reviews his obituary in his head. He finds comfort in plotting his suicide. How does Leonard derail his plans? Were you surprised by their friendship?

I think that Leonard showed James love that James has never experienced before.  It wasn’t a butterfly kisses type of love, but it was a determination to keep him alive.  James was shocked by Leonard’s reaction and had acted as if he had never seen anybody look at him like that before.  (We know this from some of the reactions of people in the dentist’s office.)  He recognized anger, hardness, resolve and truth rather than judgment, pity and resignation in Leonard’s eyes and James respected that.  I’m not surprised by their friendship because I believe that there are many people out there with good motives who truly care for people…even the unlovable.  I love how Leonard has reached out to James even through James’ countless rejections of Leonard.

5. Consider some of the moments of kindness and compassion and genuine human connection that make the book so moving. Why do these moments have such emotional power?

These moments are warmth during times of extreme cold.  These moments are light during times of extreme darkness.  Cold and darkness that I could never understand without walking in those shoes.  It brings us back to reflect on how we treat others, especially those that don’t look and act and talk like us.

I had a ouch moment this week.  Lately I’ve had no tolerance for people who call themselves Christians and yet are so inward focused (and justify it though spiritual language, i.e., “God wants me to rest in Him right now.”).  It’s called self-centeredness.   I’ve been convicted about the importance of serving people in love.  I’ve been convicted about not filling my schedule so full that I have no time to do the things that really matter. 

Well…I blew it.  Tuesday mornings tend to be one of the busy times of the week for me.  I attend a women’s Bible study at my church on Tuesdays.  This Tuesday my day started out pretty normal.  I overslept (and so did my kids…which was a good thing until I had to wake them up.)  I jumped in the shower and then spent some time on the computer printing out some things I needed for the morning.  I got a phone call from a friend of mine who was supposed to bring a snack to Bible study, but was running out of time and wouldn’t be able to get the food to the church on time and also get her kids to preschool on time.  She asked me if I could meet her somewhere to pick up her food so she could get back to the church on time after dropping her kids off.  I agreed, woke up the kids, got them dressed, fed and out the door.  That’s when it happened…

As I was buckling my daughter’s seatbelt I briefly noticed somebody near my neighbor’s trash can.  I didn’t really think anything of it.  Tuesday is trash day and I figured it was my neighbor bringing her can to the sidewalk.  I got in the car, pulled out of my driveway and in my rearview mirror, I noticed that this person was an elderly woman (not my neighbor) and she was digging through the trash cans on my street.  I live in an upper middle class neighborhood and this kind of thing is not common.  I had a brief moment of compassion, but then quickly stifled it because I was too “busy” to do anything about it, and besides, what would I do or say to this woman?  I didn’t want to embarrass her.

I still feel sick about these thoughts as I type this.

I drove off to meet my friend and go to Bible study.

I’m still teary eyed over this.  I had a bag of apples in my car.  How difficult would it have been to hand her my bag of apples?  They were set aside for Bible study snacks, but would they really be missed and who needed the snack more?  The women at the Bible study or this woman who was digging through stranger’s garbage cans looking for who knows what? 

This woman has a name.  She is a daughter.  Perhaps she is a sister, mother and/or friend.  What’s her story?  How is it that she came to a place in her life where she needed to dig through garbage cans?

As I was telling my husband about this I observed that these things always happen when least expected.  Had I been forewarned that there was going to be a lady in my neighborhood digging through trash cans, I could’ve planned out what to say, how to say it and what to do.  But, of course these things don’t come with a warning or a manual on how to behave.

I came to a fork in the road and chose the easiest path…I chose to do nothing for the woman who probably needed me most.

Are we so overscheduled with all of the so-called important things that we miss out on what is truly important? 

I finished reading Through Painted Deserts last night.  I’ve gotten my mom hooked on Donald Miller books and she wants to borrow this one.  Now she can stop nagging me.

I enjoyed this book.  It was different from the other two that I’ve read by Miller (Blue Like Jazz and Searching For God Knows What) but it was still a fun read.  The thing that has been hanging around in my brain all morning is the last three paragraphs in this book.  I don’t think this will be a spoiler to those who want to read this book, but if you really don’t want to know how it ends, then shut your eyes.  J  This is what Donald Miller writes:  (Wait!  Let me preface this by saying that these are his final thoughts in the book as he gazes upon the
Cascade Mountains reflecting a sunrise.)

            And if these mountains had eyes, they would wake to find two strangers in their fences, standing in admiration as a breathing red pours its tinge upon earth’s shore.  These mountains, which have seen untold sunrises, long to thunder praise but stand reverent, silent so that man’s weak praise should be given God’s attention.

            It is a wonder that those exposed to such beauty forfeit the great questions in the face of this miraculous evidence.  I think again about this small period of grace, and thank God for it, that if only for a season, I could feel the why of life, see it in the metaphor of light, in the endlessness of the cosmos, in the miracle of friendship.  And had these mountains the ability to reason, perhaps they would contemplate the beauty of humanity, and praise God for the miracle that each of us is, pondering the majesty of God and the wonder of man in one bewildering context.

            Their brows are rumpled even now, and their arms are stretched toward heaven.

The reason I’ve been hanging on to this (and I’ve read these paragraphs enough times to almost have it memorized) is because the very mountains that Miller is talking about are the same mountains I see almost everyday (weather permitting).  I love these mountains (thus the name “Mountaingirl”).  I never get sick of looking at them.  I can see one of these peaks through my dining room window.  Yup…there it is…it’s still there.  There’s no snow on them currently, but they are still breathtaking.  BUT…I’ve lived here 7 years and have never seen them as Miller describes them.  Why?  Because I’m too stinking lazy to wake up early to watch the sunrise.  I’ve seen plenty of sunsets over these mountains, but never a sunrise.   

Now the sunsets are also amazing and poetry worthy and Miller has it right, they do cause me to contemplate the awesomeness of God and the beauty of His creation, drowning out the insignificant arguments (theology, doctrine and method). 

It is a wonder that those exposed to such beauty forfeit the great questions in the face of this miraculous evidence. 

I live in the midst of those exposed, and yes, they still question.  The mountains’ brows are rumpled, because they can’t figure out why we’re still running around ignoring the important things in life.

I’ve enjoyed reading the Monday Morning Insight blog and thought I’d share this entry about church hoppers.  They say that 1 in 4 people have switched churches in the past 5 years.  I thought this was interesting:   http://mondaymorninginsight.typepad.com/  (1/2-way down the page on September 28th…title: 1 in 4 people:  Church Hoppers).

Our small group consists of 8 couples.  According to these statistics, 2 of these couples will leave our church within 5 years.  Call me jaded, but I no longer doubt that and could probably even guess which ones. 

One good indicator is to find out how many churches people have previously attended in the area.  It’s kind of an ego stroke for somebody to come to church and say, “I’ve left such and such a church because it’s not as _____________ as this church.  I’m so excited to be here.”  What are they expecting…a happy dance?  Well, I’m not going to do any happy dances for people like that because they’ll probably leave our church for the same reason down the road.  Plus, the church they left may be in pain because of them leaving and they’re too callous to realize this.  What makes us think that our church will live up to their expectations?

I’m going to go put my can opener back…we don’t need a bunch of worms crawling around here.

…ever heard of a bobble-head Jesus or Mary?  I’m not joking!  Check it out… http://store.yahoo.com/bobbleheadworldstore/jeandmapaofb.html

I gotta get me one of these!  Christmas is right around the corner…ROFL!!!

The question was, “What book(s) are you reading right now?”  My answer?  There’s too many.  Here’s my list:

Your Money Matters, by Howard Dayton (for our couples’ small group (CROWN))

Lord, Only You Can Change Me, by Kay Arthur (for my women’s small group)

5 Leadership Essentials for Women, by Linda Clark (for women’s ministry leadership)

Developing The Leaders Around You, by John Maxwell (for women’s ministry leadership)

Through Painted Deserts, by Donald Miller (for fun and almost finished ‘cuz my mom’s impatiently waiting for it J)

A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey (for fun)

The Barbarian Way, by Erwin Raphael McManus (for fun)

The Bible, by God (for fun, education, devotion, curiosity, etc…)

I wouldn’t have picked up The Barbarian Way, but it just came into my possession today and I thumbed through it…finding myself halfway through chapter 2 before I could stop myself.  (Thanks, Deb!)  Great book…of course I like everything written by McManus.

I have a few books that are waiting on the sidelines.

Captivating, by John and Stasi Eldredge (I’ve already started this, but put it aside so I can finish the others)

Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell

Night of Rain and Stars, by Maeve Binchy

Do you think I’m a book junky?  Speaking of junky…I’ll update you on A Million Little Pieces soon.

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I went to a beautiful funeral this weekend.  It was for a wonderful friend of ours from church.  She was 68…38 years older than us, but we still consider her a close friend.

Lorella was a school teacher who retired in 1999.  She was very youthful and energetic and truly loved people.  She was always laughing and teasing somebody.  She was a big sports fan and enjoyed giving people a hard time after her team beat theirs.  I can still see her running around when I close my eyes.  It really hit me that she’s really gone this weekend at church when I saw her granddaughter sit in a different section of the church…by herself.

Funerals are always a time of reflection.  We tend to reflect on the life of the person that just lost theirs and reflect on our own lives.  There were three things that stuck out at me at this funeral.

The first thing I noticed was the diversity of people at the church on Saturday.  All age groups were represented.  Lorella loved her job as a school teacher and cared deeply for the kids.  She taught in elementary school, but kept in touch with many of the kids, even attending their high school graduations.  The children in the last class she taught are now in high school and many were in attendance at the funeral.  She touched many lives and the generation gap didn’t exist for her.  She wasn’t happy just hanging out with people who looked like her and thought like her.  Her peers were too stuffy for her, but she still loved them.

I want to be like that.  I don’t want to be a stuffy senior who refuses to listen to those younger than me.  I want to reach out to those of other generations because there is so much to be learned by people who don’t look like me and think like me.  Plus, I’ve noticed that people who hang with those younger than them, look and act younger than they really are.  Maybe that’s the fountain of youth.

The second thing I noticed was that I didn’t recognize many church people at the funeral.  That was bittersweet to me.  For one, where were her church friends?  But, on the other hand, how fabulous of her to spend most of her time with people who aren’t from church!  Isn’t that what Jesus did?  That was huge for me.

I want to be like that.  I don’t want to spend all my time with church people doing church activities because that’s the thing that keeps me in that despised bubble.  I’d better practice what I preach, or I’ll just end up being the person I criticize.  It’s easy to hang out with my church friends and do church activities.  That’s the world I’m comfortable with.  I know how to speak the language.  I know how to answer the questions.  I know how to dress the part.  But, you know something?  I’m not called to speak the language, have all the answers and dress the part.  I’m called to love.  That brings me to the third reflection…

The third thing that I noticed was something the pastor said.  He said (and very truthfully, I might add), “Lorella loved people.  You can argue theology and doctrine, but you can’t argue love.” 

You can’t argue love.  That’s such a simple statement, but there are so many millions of Christians that just don’t get that.  Why do we think we have to fully understand the Bible before reaching out to those who need Christ’s love?  Why do we sit on our butt and do all of the religious activity and gossip about our neighbors and ignore the homeless on the street corner and the neglected and the abused?  And why do we judge those whose lives don’t look like ours?  No wonder we, as Christians, are so highly criticized.  We ignore the most important thing…love.

You can’t argue love.

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad!  Happy Birthday, Dad!  (Only you and I know this is a day late…we won’t tell anybody else.) 

Thanks for being awesome role models.  I am so fortunate to have parents who are still married.  I didn’t fully appreciate this until I became an adult.  This is rare and I fully appreciate it.  Thank you!

Dad, I’m so proud of you.  Thanks for being so strong, especially this past year with all of the unimaginable cancer news.  You’ve done an awesome job with staying healthy and strong.  I appreciate your discipline and am praying for you daily.  I love you.

Mom, you’ve exhibited the “through sickness and health” vows with excellence and grace.  Thanks for being a fabulous mom.  I know many girls and women throughout my life who wish they could claim you as their mom.  I guess I got lucky!  I love you.