Am I There, Yet?

The reason I had to get my story out is so I can review and lay to rest the dream I had and then move on and discover what it is that God has next for me.  Blogging is much cheaper than therapy.  LOL!!!

I was joking about writing the eulogy for my dream, but now I’m thinking that’s not a bad idea.  I do feel as if I’m letting go of something that has been a part of me these past couple of years and I do feel is if I’m going through mourning.  I’m excited to see what God is going to do next and know that He’ll raise somebody up to lead the women into a deeper relationship with Him. 

The original question that is still nagging me is this, “What is your dream?”  I still don’t know.  What are my desires?  I desire to be a great mom and a great wife.  I want to be pro-active in how I raise and train my children and I want to be pro-active in how I love and support my husband.  God has a call on his life and I can’t wait to see what God’s got up His sleeve for Josh.  I also desire healthy friendships.  I have amazing friends and I want to continue to build on those friendships.  I also have a desire to get out of my “church bubble.”  I’m really sick of church programs and want to wean myself off of them and get out into the community.  I don’t know my neighbors.  I never see them.  I would love to get involved in a book club or a knitting club or a mommy club in the community.  I’m looking forward to my kids going to school and getting a chance to know their teachers and their classmate’s moms.  I think I will always be involved in women’s Bible studies/small groups.  There’s no better way to build relationships with Christian women and I know that it’s so important that we surround ourselves with people who pray for us and nurture us and keep us sharpened.  Also, I’ve discovered that when I help other women in their walk with Christ, I grow in my walk with Christ.  When I become complacent and stop to care about others, I become complacent and stop to care about God.  However, the change for me is to be pro-active in building relationships with people outside the church.  I need a balance.  I can’t fully cut myself off of church and I can’t fully cut myself off of the world around me. 

Balance.

I need rest.  I need a break.  I am having a difficult time saying this because I’ve seen so many people say that God told them to rest in Him and then they disappear.  Yes, God tells us to rest in Him…daily and weekly.  When I go, go, go in ministry and don’t take the time to rest in Him, daily and weekly, then I get burned out quickly.  I see people go into hibernation because of burnout and then never come out of it.  The point of rest is to spend time focusing on God and getting to know His heart.  When we do this our desire to do the things He called us to do becomes strong and we gain the energy and passion to fulfill this call on our lives.  When we go, go, go and take our focus off of God we replace our works with our relationship.  At least this is the case in my life.  Forgive me for speaking for others.

Balance. 

I’ve seen people burned in ministry and then have a huge fear of getting involved again.  I don’t want to be bitter.  I want to be energetic for the next time God asks me to do something to serve His people.

Balance.

I’m reading a book I should’ve picked up years ago.  I mentioned it earlier.  It’s called Visioneering by Andy Stanly.  Ironically, my dream was conceived through the book of Nehemiah, and now I’m laying it to rest while reading a book based on Nehemiah.  This book has been so encouraging for me.  One of the things Stanley talks about is success versus rewards.  I look at the ministry we started and don’t feel successful because it hasn’t turned out the way I envisioned it to.  Josh asked me recently if I would’ve put so much time and energy into this had I known the end result.  I told him I probably wouldn’t have.  But, as I review I do see the little successes along the way.  Stanley says, “If you are where God wants you, fulfilling the responsibilities he has given you, you are successful.  In fact when that is the case, you are as successful as you will ever be.  Granted, you may not be seeing or experiencing the rewards of your success.  But you are successful nonetheless.  Success is remaining faithful to the process God has laid out for you.  Certainly there are significant and enjoyable mile markers along the way.  But success is not the mile marker.  Success is not the raise, promotion, recognition, Christian home, or wonderful children.  Those are simply enjoyable mile markers along the way.  Success is staying faithful to the process that contributed to those things becoming a reality.  Unfortunately, we often don’t consider ourselves successful until we experience the rewards.”

I’ve mistakenly been looking for the rewards instead of celebrating the small successes.  The successes are life change.  The successes are the friendships I see blossom.  The successes are the answered prayers and support in women’s lives.  It feels prideful for me to pat myself on the back…but, I can recognize and rejoice that God has used me to work in the lives of others.  After all, this is the biggest lesson learned these past couple of years:  It’s all about God and not about me, but I want to participate in His plan, because life is fulfilling in Him and unfulfilling outside of Him.

Observations:  God never gave up on me.  He kept after me.  I remember one week I was feeling very discouraged.  I spent the entire week nagging God and asking Him why in the world He was asking me to do this.  The weekend that followed is one that I’ll never forget.  In the course of 24 hours I had countless women share their pain and struggle with me.  One woman shared her struggle with her mother-in-law.  One woman told me about a life-long friend that just passed away.  Another woman met me in the bathroom at church in tears because she saw her ex-fiancé out with another woman.  An usher pulled me out of church because he found another woman in tears in the hallway.  This woman was struggling with a severed relationship and felt extremely lonely and betrayed.  After that interaction I looked around the church and saw woman after woman that each had a set of difficulties…a burden they were trying to bear.  I saw insecurity.  I saw pain.  I saw masks.  That afternoon I found out that an online friend of mine just experienced a painful miscarriage.  That evening my cousin’s wife sat in my kitchen in tears telling us about how difficult things have been for her since her husband died 2 months prior.  I went to bed heartbroken.  What in the world is going on?  God, don’t you care about your daughters?  Why aren’t you helping them?  Heal their hurt and pain and bring comfort to their lives, please! 

It was at that moment that I remembered the question I was asking God the week before.  He had just given me His answer.

I know that He is now working on somebody else’s heart.  I pray for her daily and pray that she will clearly hear from Him and know His will.  I can’t wait to see what will happen through her willing heart.

Forgive me, but I really need to fly through the rest of this because I can’t spend any more time looking back.  It’s driving me crazy.  I hope to one day look back on all of this and see what it is that I’m missing.

Here’s the Reader’s Digest version of the rest of the story:

We made changes.

People got mad.

Deb quit and left me in charge.

Now I’m quitting.

LOL!!!

Just kidding!  Kinda…

O.K.  Picking up where I left off…so, we took a survey of the women in our church.  This is what we discovered (actually, we already suspected, but the survey gave us further proof):

56% of the women in our church have been attending less than 5 years.

62% of women feel like they have a weak to O.K. relationship with God.

63% of women don’t feel connected to other women in our church.

The largest struggles of women in our church are stress/anxiety followed closely by depression and loneliness.

We broke it down by age category and this is what we discovered (I hope you can read these):

This is our average “Generation X” woman:

This is our average “Baby Boomer” woman:

This is our average “Builder” woman:

So, now we are faced with the tough questions.  What do we do about this? 

• How do we help women feel more connected to God and connected to other women in our church? 
• How do we create a safe place for women to thrive in intergenerational relationships? 
• How do we reach out to women who are struggling with difficult life circumstances and/or strongholds (abuse, divorce, addictions, single parenthood, depression, broken relationships and infertility)? 
• How are we drawing women into the church?  Are we going to the community or are we expecting the community to come to us?
• Why are we doing what we’re doing and is the current ministry having a significant spiritual impact for women?  (Tradition?  Outreach?)
• Are women growing in their relationship with Jesus?

After much research, we decided that the best way to get women connected was through small groups.  We envisioned a “hub” where women were coming together for Bible studies and prayer and, of course, coffee.  Here is the original proposal we came up with (some of this material is from Beverly White Hislop’s book Shepherding a Woman’s Heart):

      Just as people need food to keep their bodies healthy, so do Christian women need good spiritual food to stay healthy.  A steady diet and nurturing climate that foster maturity and spiritual strength should form the foundation of our ministry to women.  However, the menu selection should include items that keep in mind women that are young, hurting, or lost.  We need to purposefully train women to use and sharpen their spiritual gifts so they can turn around and serve other women who could benefit from them.  The goal of all these healthy meals should produce results.  We do not want to see women getting fat and lazy (spiritually speaking, of course!).  They need to be strengthened to go out and fulfill Christ’s mission for their life.
     “Tuesday Morning Break”– Women’s small groups should be in line with all of New Hope Church’s small groups…with a twist.  We could have two opportunities a week for women to attend a small group and get connected.  The format would be as follows:  Tuesday mornings…All women could come to the church.  There will be excellent child care provided.  Snacks will be provided.  There will be a time of worship and announcements concerning upcoming New Hope events and New Hope ministries.  We could have a guest speaker once a month during this time.  We could have women sharing testimonies or devotions during this together time.  We could have a drama team to do short “thought-provoking” dramas.  We could also do communion during this time.  Then after 30 minutes of “together” time, women would break up into their small groups.  Each small group could be going over different topics.  For example, one group could be doing a Beth Moore study, one group could be doing II Corinthians, one group could be doing a study on marriage or singleness, etc…  There will be a time for New Hope women to connect and grow.  There will also be the training time to teach New Hope women how to serve and share their faith.  This same model can be done on a Thursday evening for those women who are unavailable to attend on Tuesday mornings because of jobs or other commitments.  This small group ministry would be the singular focus of the Women’s Ministry at New Hope Church.  This ministry should be drawing women into New Hope Church and other church ministries.  

This was just an idea in our minds.  We had other plans for outreach opportunities, worship opportunities, etc… but the small groups were the main focus of our women’s ministry extreme make-over.  Why didn’t we have this in place before?  After all, we were a church of around 750…you’d think this would’ve been done before.  Ah…here comes the sticky part.  We had a parachurch women’s Bible study meeting at our church at that time.  They were doing a fine job of teaching women biblical knowledge.  Why change?  The main reason was that we have a different philosophy of ministry.  We believe that women need more than just biblical knowledge to thrive in the life God gave them.  The church is not about filling people’s brains with knowledge…it’s about radical life change.  Can radical life change happen by Bible study?  Yes.  Of course.  Is Bible study the only thing a Christian needs?  No.  Of course not.

I recently picked up Mark Driscoll’s book, Radical Reformission, and he says this about parachurch organizations, “…the failure of such ministries is that they are often disconnected from the local church, connecting unchurched people to Jesus without connecting them to the rest of Jesus’ people…they lack the benefits of a church culture in which all generations are integrated to help people navigate the transitions of life.  This further separates families from each other if mom, dad, and kids are each involved in disconnected life-stage ministries outside of their church, rather than in integrated ministries within it.”

O.K.  I’ve set the stage and introduced the players.  I think you can imagine what happened next.  We moved forward with the vision and stepped on some pretty pedicured toes.  Can you hear Kramer saying, “C-C-C -Cat fight”?  *canned laughter*

Here’s how it went down.  I was in a women’s small group that was being led by my friend, Deb.  Remember her?  She was the new women’s ministry director at that time.  Ironically, we were studying the book of Nehemiah and were pretty pumped up…knowing that God had called us to make some necessary changes.  This was near the end of spring 2004.  Josh and I were also in a small group together and some of the women in that group wanted to get together for a women’s Bible study for the summer.  This was a perfect opportunity to get things started. 

That summer, Deb’s group and my new group met together at the church.  We hired some teenagers to watch our kids, made out a snack schedule and got together.  We met together for snacks and coffee early in the morning and then our two groups broke up and went through a study.  Our group went through Bad Girls of the Bible and Deb’s group went through a book of the Bible…I can’t remember which one.  This worked out great for summertime.  We pitched the idea of continuing on and adding more groups in the fall.  Some of the girls liked the idea…others didn’t.  They didn’t want us messing with their current system.  I was a bit surprise, but…whatever. 

We advertised and recruited and that fall we launched our first official session of Tuesday Morning Break.  We had 6 groups and 49 women showed up.  This was pretty exciting.  I know that I benefited from it.  I got to meet women that I never would’ve met before.  We learned together, prayed together, ate together and had a good time.  It was so refreshing to see women during the weekend services and have them ask how specific things were working out in my life and to hear that they had been praying for me throughout the week.  They really cared.  It was no longer a shallow-level how-are-you-I’m-fine kind of relationship.  Women were getting real with each other.  It was a small start, but a great start.

However…the bad news.  All of a sudden there was a huge rift between the women in our church.  There became an “us and them” competition kind of thing happening between us and the other Bible study that many of the women in our church attended.  I’m not going to say anything else beyond that because I think I’m bordering the gossip boundary.  The reason I mention the rift is because this was a very painful and discouraging time for me…and I suspect for Deb, too.  We were misunderstood.  We were told that we weren’t spiritually deep enough.  We were told that our childcare wasn’t good enough.  We were told that we were too young and immature to do this.  We were told that we were ignoring the needs of the older women.  We were asked to quit.  But we kept on going.  This drive was so deep within us that we had to continue on.  Something (or Somebody) kept pushing us forward.

I want to fast-forward at this point.  Last summer, Deb took a job in another town and their family moved.  I was the obvious candidate as the new women’s ministry director and reluctantly took it on.  After some prayer and review and conversations with the leadership team, we decided to cut the events and focus on Tuesday Morning Break and our annual women’s retreat.  We almost cancelled the retreat.  The reason we wanted to cut everything back was to get the women in our church connected to each other through small groups.  We’ve since added outreach, but this mostly happens through the small groups.  We have a wonderful lady come on the team who has a heart for the hurting in our community.  She has coordinated a group of women to lead a Bible study at a teen girl’s recovery home.  The stories that have come out of this have been amazing and we are looking forward to doing more of this.  We had several other outreach opportunities throughout the past couple of terms…a Hurricane Katrina relief effort came from the small groups.  I learned how to knit during one outreach opportunity.  My women’s small group knit scarves for some poverty stricken children in our community.  These are all great things that are happening…however, I tend not to focus on the good things.  I think this is a fine balance that a lot of ministry leaders face. 

Instead of celebrating the women who are thriving in this new community, I’m constantly asking, “Who is missing and why aren’t they connected?  Why don’t they want to join us?”  

I hear great testimonies all the time.  I just had a woman tell me not to change a thing because she adores what is happening on Tuesday mornings.  I hear women say this is the best thing for women that our church has ever done.  We’ve grown and continue to grow.  We had over 75 women show up last September…not counting the women who are connected to the other women’s group that meet at other times in the week.  That’s about 20% of the women in our church and I can’t help but think about the 80% that are missing…and feel like a failure because I haven’t shared the vision with them to help them understand why we need them. 

I have lost a lot of my enthusiasm and drive for this.  Last fall I went into a deep depression.  I had no energy or drive to do anything.  Josh recognized that I had sunk into depression before I did.  He came home one night and found me still in my pajamas playing computer games.  I remember struggling to make some cornbread one night and it was from a box.  All I had to do was add the egg and water and stir.  It seemed like such a huge and overwhelming task for me.  It was ridiculous. 

During this time, I spent a lot of time talking with God and asking Him what was going on.  I begged Him to give me a fresh vision and passion for the ministry to women at our church, or to raise somebody else up who could care for the spiritual well-being of the women…somebody who could take the ministry to the next level.  The foundation has been poured, and now the builder needs to show up.

I’m done.  I don’t have the fresh passion and vision.  However, God hasn’t brought forth the next leader, yet.  All of the women that are ideal in my mind are going through life crises right now.  Where is she?  Who is she?  Am I missing the person God has chosen for this?  I cannot continue on as the leader…I know this.  But, I don’t feel as if I can quit right now, either. 

I’ll share my fresh heartbreak next.  Thanks for letting me share my story.  I’m so glad to finally have it out.  But, again…it’s after midnight and I need to quit blogging this late.

It’s kind of fun to look back on situations in my life and see how God has orchestrated certain events.  I had no idea that God was at work behind the scenes during certain events, but I can clearly see it now.  I know that situation A led to situation B and if situation B didn’t happen then situation C never would’ve occurred…and so on.  It gives me comfort to know this so that I can look to the future and know that God will be there.  Maybe He’s orchestrating certain events right now to lead us to the next level.  Actually, I should omit word maybe from the previous sentence because I know His hand is already at work, paving the path before us.

I guess through these past few years, I didn’t expect to be beat up so much.  I didn’t expect the criticism.  I didn’t expect the unrealistic expectations.  I didn’t expect the gossip.  I didn’t expect the rejection.

Actually, that’s not the full truth.  I’ve watched my husband be beat up in ministry so much that I did expect some people to be unhappy, but not to the fullest extent.  I guess my wishful thinking was that more people would embrace the cause and understand why we are doing what we are doing.  I love what 1 Peter 4:12 says, “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.”  It’s hard to ask “Why me?” when I read this verse.  I was looking at this verse tonight and noticed that right before this passage there is reference to using our gifts to serve others.  I’m thinking that maybe these passages of scripture are connected?

If I want perspective, the rejection I’ve experienced doesn’t even compare to the rejection that Jesus received while walking this globe as a man…and still receives today.  I’m a big baby when I put it into perspective.  After all, the biggest lesson learned through this whole process is that it’s not about me. 

Every time I tried to take control, things got screwed up.  Every time I put things into God’s hands…things worked out.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve said to Him, “O.K.  I give up.  If you want this to happen then you’re going to have to take care of it.”  Of course, He always came through.  There’s not one time when He hasn’t followed through.  Not one.

Back to my story.  God brought an amazing friend into my life.  Her name is Deb and not only has she been a source of encouragement to me…she always knows when to kick me in the butt when I get too full of myself.  I’ll give you an example of what I mean.  In the midst of a particularly difficult time, I lost perspective.  There was a situation that made me very angry.  She kidnapped me one morning and took me out for coffee and let me vent.  She listened as I said everything that I wanted to say.  When I lost steam she told me to take out my Bible and read Romans 12.  It was exactly the pill I needed to swallow in order to shift my focus back to where it needed to be.  I was too focused on who was right and who was wrong and it was a big distraction.

God placed a burden for the women in our community on Deb’s hearts at around the same time that I was feeling a huge burden.  I remember one night we were supposed to go to a meeting that was cancelled at the last minute.  Since neither of us had other plans, we decided to still get together for coffee.  It was that night that we both discovered the other’s heart.  We both knew that there has got to be a better way to effectively reach women.  The conversation continued weeks and even months later.  It was during that time that we got some clarity on what we felt God was asking us to do in order to better reach out to women.  Little did we know that the current women’s ministry director was getting ready to resign her position and that Deb would soon replace her.  I think that God was preparing us for that ahead of time.

I’ll skip the details of how this all played out.  It was a bit unconventional, but, it was definitely a God thing.  All of a sudden, Deb was in the driver’s seat and we had a plan and a means to carry out that plan.  We learned a new term during that year.  Rhino Blasting:  Charging ahead at 30 miles an hour with a visibility of only a few feet.  I think that would describe us.

Doors started opening and we got the machine in motion.  The changes were subtle at first.  We were rhino blasting, but we were doing so on our tiptoes and nobody really noticed what was happening. 

Ack…this is taking more time than I thought.  It’s almost midnight.  I’ll finish my story tomorrow.  Hopefully, I’ll be able to get it all out and then lay it to rest.  I feel as if I’m writing a eulogy.  LOL!!!

I’ve got to finish my story.  It’s consuming me.  I’m even dreaming about it in my sleep.  This is one of the pains in my life.  I start to mull over something and can easily become consumed with it until I get it all figured out in my brain.  I’m a classic over-thinker.  I have to say that writing all of this down has been very therapeutic. 

I’m picking up where I left off in Dreams, pt. 3.

It was during this time that the women’s ministry director at our church started to look into setting up a mentoring program for the women in our church.  She asked me if I wanted to be a part of the process and it sounded intriguing, so I said I would.  I recognized the importance of mentors in my life and knew that this would be a great benefit to the women in our church.  Too many women are trying to figure life out on their own.  I am so extremely fortunate to have godly women in my life who have prayed for me and helped shape me…and yet, I still feel as if I’m going to fall apart at certain stages in life.  How do women get through the difficulties of life when they don’t have the benefit of other godly women to walk beside them, pray for them and nurture them?

I picked up several books on women mentoring women and did some research into some mentoring programs.  We started to build a team and did a lot of praying.  I’m typically not somebody that people naturally use for a shoulder to cry on, but during this time, it seemed as if a lot of women were sharing their stories with me.  I couldn’t believe how many women were hurting and struggling and lonely.  It broke my heart.  I also believe it breaks God’s heart.

When word got out that we were starting a mentoring ministry, we had a ton of women ask for a mentor.  A lot of women long for helpful support, encouragement and direction.  We knew it would be tougher to find women who were willing to be a mentor, but I had no idea how tough.  We prayed about who we should approach to be mentors and wrote down a long list and then started asking.  It didn’t seem to be too scary to be a mentor.  A mentor is somebody who is willing to pray for, be available to and reach out to a younger woman.  But, as you can probably guess, I heard every excuse I could think of.  “I’m too busy with my Bible Study.”  “I don’t know enough about the Bible.”  I even had one woman tell me that she was too busy for her own grandchildren because she was busy with her ballroom dancing lessons.  These were women were retired and had a lot of extra time that the rest of us don’t.  These were women who have been Christians for a long time. 

I was more surprised by their insecurity than I was by their excuses.  

I have a friend who refuses to say, “I didn’t have time.”  She’s replaced that saying with, “I didn’t make it a priority.”  At the time she told me this, my friend was in nursing school, had 4 kids, volunteered a lot of her time and even managed to keep her body in shape.  If anybody doesn’t have time to do anything it would be her.  I love this because it makes me think twice about the excuses I make and about what is really important in life.

We did end up finding a few women who were willing to be “guinea pig” mentors and we launched the program and watched it fly and then watched it crash.

What happened?  What went wrong?  We regrouped and tried to answer those questions.  Some of the mentor/mentee pairs worked out, but most did not.  We noticed that the pairs that did succeed had a prior connection or commonality.  They worked together, or they were in the same small group together, or their kids were friends.  The pairs that didn’t succeed didn’t have a prior connection with the mentor/mentee they were assigned to.

Back to the drawing board.  We knew that women still needed to be in community with other women.  We need each other.  We need good friends to laugh with and to cry with.  We need godly women to pray for us.  We need women in our lives who can give us godly advice when we’re facing a dilemma.  We need other women to show us how to walk and grow and thrive in our relationships with Jesus.  We need other women to help us clean our house or fix a meal when we’re sick.  We need trusted women to confide in and trust with our hurts.

Imagine what would happen if the women in our church would become united towards a cause.  Imagine a group of women coming together and going out into the community to help those who need help by doing simple things, such as painting a battered women’s shelter, or holding a Bible Study for teenage girls who are runaways or dealing with an unexpected pregnancy.  Imagine a group of women raising money to build a fresh-water well for a village in Africa to help women in Africa provide healthy water for their children.  Imagine a group of women starting a cancer support group in the community to help women who are struggling with cancer.  Imagine the relationships that could happen if a group of women opened their homes for a book club or a cooking club or a knitting club and invited lonely women in their neighborhood to join them. 

There are a lot of lonely women in our church and community.  Our community is growing at an extremely fast rate.  People are moving here from all over the country and they don’t know anybody here.  They come to church and leave lonely.  They don’t find the connections they are looking for and they go to try another church.  Maybe they’ll make a connection there…maybe they won’t.

I’ll have to finish this story at another time.  My kids are nagging me to take them to the library.  I do want to share my favorite prayer.  I’ve shared this in my blog before, but thought it was appropriate to share again.  This is written by Lynn Hybles in her book, Nice Girls Don’t Change The World.

Dear God,

May we be women who acknowledge our power to change and grow and be radically alive for God.

Dear God, make us dangerous women.  Amen.

One of the reasons I’m trying to journal through all of this dream stuff is because I feel as if there is some type of barrier between me and God right now and I’m trying to figure out what that barrier is.  This barrier was especially evident yesterday when I picked up The Barbarian Way by Erwin McManus.  This is one of my favorite books and has been very inspirational in helping me to continue on.  This didn’t prove to be the case yesterday.  I was reading through it and all I saw was, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”  I put the book down with a “who cares” attitude. 

Who cares?  If the women in our church and community are lonely…who cares?  Let them be lonely.  If the women in our community are depressed…who cares?  Let them be depressed.  If the women in our church are struggling with finances or relationships or sickness or insecurity…who cares?  Let them struggle with finances and relationships and sickness and insecurity.  If they need a meal or some housecleaning because they’re too sick to do it themselves…let them figure it out on their own.  It’s not my problem.  If nobody else cares, then why should I?  

It was at that point that I recognized anger and bitterness.  You’d think I would’ve been able to recognize it long before now.

I can hear Mrs. Gardiner says to Lizzie, “Oh!  Take care, my love.  That savors strongly of bitterness.”  (Sorry…I got Pride and Prejudice last week and have watched it almost once a day.  I’d watch it more often, if I could.) 

So, what did I do?  I had a temper tantrum.  I told Josh I needed some time alone, so he took the kids to church and I stayed at home and had a knock-out drag-down brawl with God.  WWF can’t compare.  I told Him that I was angry with Him for this and for that.  I told Him it wasn’t fair that this was the way things were.  I told Him that I expected more from Him…why isn’t He taking care of this and why isn’t He doing that?  If He wants this to happen, then He needs to step up to the plate and make it happen because I’m not going to keep doing this if He doesn’t.  I asked Him why he placed this burden on my heart…because I don’t want it anymore.  I want to sit in my pretty little house and take care of my pretty little family and not care about anything outside of my pretty little world.

It was pretty bad.

After I told Him everything that I thought I had a good cry and then felt a strange peace come over me.  It was at that point that I was reminded of the good things that were happening…and the promise of things to come.  He doesn’t need things to work out the way I expect them to in order to do His work.  He’s already at work in the lives of women in our church.  He has taken away loneliness in some of the women’s lives.  I know because I hear the testimonies.  He has taken away insecurity in some of the women’s lives.  I know because I see it.  He has taken away depression in women’s lives.  I know because it’s no longer a part of my life. 

This is just another classic case of me telling God how things should be done….by my expectations.  Once I realized that, I had to spend another hour apologizing for questioning His timing and His work.

This morning, I went to church and felt cleansed.  The worship was healing for me.  To spend some time focusing on God (and only God) brought some clarity.  Some verses were read from Ephesians 3 and they cut deep like a knife.  To know that we serve a God who loves us deeply…even after an evening of chewing Him out…was overwhelming to me.

“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.”  Ephesians 3:17-21

I love to imagine myself diving into God’s love as I would dive into a swimming pool.  When I’m under water, there’s not a part of me that’s dry…just as in Christ, there’s not a part of me that’s not loved.

After the verse was read we sang, “Your Love Is Deep.”  It’s a simple song with a simple message…but a timeless message that many people can’t grasp, for whatever reason.  I think you can hear it here.

Your Love Is Deep 

By, Dan Collins, Jami Smith, Susanne Bussey

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide (2x)

Your love is deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I’ve traveled
Wider than the gap you fill

Who shall separate us
Who shall separate us from your love
Nothing can separate us

Nothing can separate us from your love

Dive in!

I am a big, fat, miserable, stupid failure.  I have just thrown away the past three years of my life.  They are gone.  They are wasted.  I would be much better off had I just sat back and minded my own business and allowed things to continue the way they were headed.

I’m trying hard to complete my unfinished story and I can’t.  I find that I get angry when I think back.  I’m hurt and insecure and I don’t know if I want people to know the heartache I’ve been through.  Why?  Maybe because then people will see behind my mask.  They’ll see my insecurities.  They’ll see my loneliness.  They’ll see my struggle with depression.  They’ll see my weakness and pain. 

Or, maybe I can’t keep telling the story because I’m afraid people will try to minimize my experience…tell me that I’m making more of it then I should…that I’m just being dramatic and taking things too personally.  I am really, really sick of advice and superficiality and lame excuses.  Do people really think this is about me and not about God?  This is why I have failed.  I have failed to communicate that it’s not about me.  Why are people apologizing to me for not doing A or B or C?  If God has told them not to do A or B or C then they should not be apologizing to me or making excuses to me. 

I’m going into hibernation for awhile.  I need to surround myself with positive and supportive and encouraging people so I can finish the task and stay away from the negativity.  Please don’t take it personally.  I’m looking forward to saying “Adios!” and riding off into the sunset on my horse…but, for now I’ve gotta finish the job ahead of me first.

My adorable husband has a book called Visioneering by Andy Stanley.  My mom asked to borrow it and he got it out and started to re-read it before giving it to her.  He got caught up in the book, reviewing notes in it that he found interesting…notes he had written 5 or 6 years ago.  He couldn’t put the book down and decided to just buy a new copy for my parents, instead of giving them his copy.  While he was at it he picked up another copy for me.  Ironically, he didn’t know what I’ve been blogging about and thinking about lately.  Apparently he hasn’t checked my blog in awhile.  However, this book totally relates to what I’ve been mulling over in my mind and heart and has given me a little bit of clarity.

The very first chapter grabbed my attention.  Stanley says this,

What is a vision?

Where to they come from?

Visions are born in the soul of a man or woman who is consumed with the tension between what is and what could be.  Anyone who is emotionally involved—frustrated, brokenhearted, maybe even angry—about the way things are in light of the way they believe things could be, is a candidate for a vision.  Visions form in the hearts of those who are dissatisfied with the status quo.

Vision often begins with the inability to accept things they way they are…

There is always a moral element to vision.  Vision carries with it a sense of conviction.  Anyone with a vision will tell you this is not merely something that could be done.  This is something that should be done.  This is something that must happen.  It is the element that catapults men and women out of the realm of passive concern and into action.  It is the moral element that gives a vision a sense of urgency.

I’m reminded of Rob Bell’s experience he wrote about it in his book, Velvet Elvis.

My wife and I and several others started this church called Mars Hill in February of 1999 with dreams of what a revolutionary new kind of community could be.

I was twenty-eight.

What do you know about anything when you’re twenty-eight?

But anyway, we did it.  We started a church.

People who are starting churches, or want to someday, often ask me when I knew it was time to do it.  And I actually have a coherent answer:  I knew it was time when I no longer cared if it was “successful”.

I’m serious.  I had this moment in October 1998 when I realized that if thirteen people joined up with us, and that was all it ever was, that would be okay.

This thing inside of me was so strong that I had to act on it.  Can you relate to this feeling?  That sense that there is something deep in the fiber of your being that you have to do, and if you don’t do it, you will be violating something…or somebody?

Better to try and fail, because at least you are being true to yourself.

And the worst thing would be to live wondering, What if?

In my mind, a huge tragedy happens to those who have a God-ordained vision placed on their heart and then choose to do nothing about it.  They see things as they should be and choose to not participate in God’s plan.  What happens?  Discontent.  Un-fulfillment.  Disillusionment.  They whine and complain and then leave the situation unhappy because nobody else will step up to the plate and make the changes that they see necessary. 

I’ve seen people leave our church because they have a heart to see something happen, but they mistakenly expect the pastor to make it happen.  They never take the time to think that God is asking them to do it…to make the necessary change.  When it’s suggested to them that they should make the change, that they should lead a task, they make excuses and then leave the church angry.

You can be a part of the problem, or you can be a part of the solution.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about prayers we pray.  There are some prayers that we pray that are beyond ourselves.  We ask God for things that only He can accomplish.  Such as healing for someone with cancer, or providing a new job for somebody, or seeing somebody come to Jesus.  However, sometimes when we pray, our hearts become more focused on God and we can hear Him telling us what to do to help…asking us to take action.  Sometimes action on our part is necessary for the request to come true.  When we pray for a loved one to be healed of cancer, our hearts become bigger for that person and we do what we can to help our loved one feel more comfortable…such as spending time with them, listening to them, cleaning their home or running errands when it’s impossible for them, or providing a meal for their family. 

Jesus asked the disciples to pray for workers for the harvest of people and guess what happened?  The disciples became the workers.  As they prayed for people, their hearts became aligned with God’s heart and they took action to spread the gospel.  The prayers were instrumental in the compassion they felt for the people.  I believe that when we pray for things it’s not always about what God can accomplish, but sometimes it is about what God can accomplish through us.  As we draw closer to Him, our hearts should align with His heart.

What’s bothering you and what is the solution?

What are you praying for?

What is breaking your heart?

What is your passion?

What is something that must happen in order to make this world a better place?

What is my dream?  I don’t know.  I still don’t feel like I have any dreams right now…

Maybe I’m afraid to dream because some dreams lead to pain and broken hearts.  However, broken hearts birth dreams…at least in my experience.

I’ll use my friend, Rikki, as an example (I hope you don’t mind, Rikki!  I’ll delete this part if you want me to.)  She went through a very painful experience in the past few years as she fought cancer…and kicked it in the butt, I might add.  I recently watched her heart break as she met, and bonded with another cancer fighter.  I think God is birthing something in her heart as she relates to people who are going through what she went through.  I don’t know what dream God is place in her heart, but I see something happening there.

So…here’s my story.  This is the main thing I’ve been avoiding lately.  I don’t feel like reflecting on this right now, but feel as if it’s important.  I want to ignore it, but feel like I can’t move forward unless I spend some time on this.  I sense that there will be a breakthrough if I do some reflecting. 

About four years ago, I was feeling very lonely…and sick…and spiritually dry.  I had a 1 year old and was pregnant with my now 3-year-old.  I was going to a women’s Bible Study at our church, but wasn’t thriving in that situation.  I didn’t fit in with this particular group of women…they all had the expensive jewelry and the fancy cars and the kids in private colleges.  I had a baby in diapers and was extremely sick and feeling fat and bloated.  The Bible Study itself, was O.K….nothing too inspiring.  I was having a hard time getting the homework done and was told that I couldn’t participate in the group discussions if I didn’t have it completed.  I would go week after week and sit there quietly listening to the women discuss their wealth of biblical knowledge.  I felt unspiritual because I wasn’t enjoying the experience.  I stuck it out to the end…deciding not to join again the next year, using my pregnancy as an excuse.

After my son was born and I had some time to recover, I joined a women’s small group that met at my friend’s house.  It was awesome.  The friendships were great.  The interaction was great.  The prayer time was great.  The study was great.  We studied 1^st Corinthians and to this day, I still remember some of the things I learned and some of the discussions we had.  I loved the fresh insight.  This Bible Study gave me a fresh desire and passion to learn more about the Bible.  That summer I went to a worship conference with my husband and I feel as if some spiritual breakthroughs happened in my life.  The main theme was that everything we do is a spiritual act of worship to God.  Romans 12:1 says, “…offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.”  This passage goes on to talk about the spiritual gifts God has given us and the basic idea is that if we walk by the Spirit and use our gifts to glorify Him, then we are worshipping Him and pleasing Him.  Worship is not just a 15 minute sing-a-long on a weekend service.  Worship is life.  This hit me in a new way that week and jazzed me up.  For the first time I prayed, “God, break my heart for the things that break your heart and help me to discover joy in the things you delight in.  Help me to love people as you love them and see them as you see them.”

*Deep breath*  This prayer was a lot easier to pray back then.

Some other things happened that week.  I was able to take a whole day to have a silent retreat.  I journaled and prayed and read my Bible.  It was a mountaintop experience for me.  I carried this experience home with me and was ready to go.  Whatever He wanted me to do, I was willing to do.  I wanted everybody to experience the incredible joy that comes with walking intimately with Him.

September came and I decided to join the first women’s Bible Study that I mentioned again.  This year was going to be different.  I had a renewed desire to learn more about God and the Bible.  I was ready.  Bring it on.  I could wax eloquent with the rest of them.  A few weeks into the Bible Study I started feeling weary again.  I could keep up with my homework a bit easier this time around.  I could participate in the discussions this time.  But, there was something missing.  I realized that I had started to replace my homework with my quiet time.  I allowed the homework to lead my thoughts rather than God. 

One week I sat in my small group discussion time and looked around the room.  Everybody looked so perfect and beautiful and smiley.  I thought, “I don’t belong here.  I don’t have it together as these women do.”  Then all of a sudden I heard God speaking to me.  He was telling me that that was a lie and to look closer.  I looked around the room and I saw masks on every woman sitting there.  There was a woman sitting across from me whose husband recently had an affair and she was smiling along with the rest of them, but I knew her heart was breaking and inside she was screaming out for help.  There was another woman there who recently had a miscarriage and desperately wanted a baby.  She, too, knew how to play the part of a happy, well-balanced Christian woman…but was crying on the inside.  Everybody looked so perfect on the outside…and it was all a façade. 

My heart broke.  I could almost hear the shattering.

Is this what church/Christianity is all about?  Is church a place that teaches us how to look happy and well-balanced on the outside and to hide the pain on the inside?  Do we really tell people that if they have issues they just need to read the Bible and everything will be O.K?  There’s got to be more to it than this.  God, set these women free!  Help them to thrive in their walk with you…not just survive…and survive by faking it!

I think this is about all I can handle right now…I’ll pick this up later.

I have so much to say on this topic.  It’s almost overwhelming me right now.  I think the thing I need to do in order to move on is to reflect on the past.  I think that if I can look back and see where God has taken me, I’ll be able to move forward with the direction He wants to continue in me.  I have a wonderful mentor who has shown me how to sit still before God and listen.  She introduced me to a book called, The Soul At Rest, A Journey Into Contemplative Prayer by Tricia McCary Rhodes.  In this book there’s a section on Recollective Prayer.  I call it reflective prayer.  As I walk through this journey of discovering what God’s dream/vision is for my life, I feel as if I need to do some reflecting.  I wanted to capture some of the quotes from this book to give myself some direction for reflecting.  In my next post, I’ll probably do some more personal reflecting, but I wanted to share some of the words I’ve recently read.

McCary-Rhodes says ths:

 The Past

Sometimes our lives look like a board game where we keep drawing the go back to start card.  Without knowledge and insight from our past, we make the same mistakes, fall into the same sinful patterns, and waste a lot of time.  There is purpose in putting our past in perspective.

 The Present

God never intended for His people to relegate Him to weekly worship or periodic prayers.  He wants to permeate the present of our lives.  The only way we can aspire to such serious spirituality is by checking in every day and throughout the day with the Lord who is our Shepherd.  If we let one or two or three days go by, we lose the opportunity to make the simplest kinds of changes.  Habits form, commitments control, and we can’t find a way out of the hubbub.  We will always find relief by coming back to our Source, but how much easier if we had come sooner and more often.

 The Future

We are a people who live by faith, and faith is “the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen” (Hebrews 11:1).  How do we know what to hope for?  How can we be sure of what we do not see?  We come before God, allowing His words to give form to our future, and foot leather to our dreams.  He opens our eyes and shows us where we are going, invigorating us with vision.

 Putting Them Together

In Recollective Prayer, the pieces of the puzzle fall into place in the light of God’s loving guidance.  Like a common thread woven through an intricate design, we see His hand.  Our past gives us perspective, our present pulls us to His side, and our future forces us to walk by faith.  This can be a rejuvenating part of the inner prayer journey. 

 Periodic Recollection at a Glance:
 Review the Past:

• Lord, in what areas have You been seeking to discipline and teach me?
• What mistakes have I made?
• Have I hurt others?
• Have I demonstrated Your love and compassion?
• What have I done which is pleasing to You?
• Where has growth taken place?
• Are there any areas where I’m stuck?

 Realign Today’s Priorities:

• Lord, what can I eliminate from my life?
• In what ways do I waste time?
• What am I not doing that I should be doing?
• In what order of priority are the parts of my life?
• In what order should they be?

 Renew Your Vision:

• Lord, what do you want to do within me in the next few weeks?
• How do you want to improve my relationships with others?
• Should I be considering any changes in my life?
• Are you calling me to something new?

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever.  Amen.”  Ephesians 3:20-21

I’ve been blogging a lot of fluff lately because I haven’t been able to put into words what has been on my heart lately.  I’m going to spend some time this week trying to work through my current “valley” and hopefully I’ll stop being so dense and hear what God is trying to tell me.  I guess I’ll just start at the beginning and see where it goes.  

A few weeks ago I got to spend the weekend at the beach with a few of my girlfriends.  One night we were sitting around the living room talking (and eating, of course) and my girlfriend hands me the wrapper off of her Dove Promises Chocolate.  The inside of the wrapper said, 

I rolled my eyes and said to her, “I don’t have any dreams.”  She disagreed with me and I ignored her.  A few minutes later I grabbed a chocolate for myself and the inside wrapper said,

Later that night I went to my room and found a little care package on my pillow from another one of my weekend roomies.  In it she had put a little inspirational card that read,

I asked her if all the cards said the same and she said they were random.  She didn’t know about the earlier candy wrappers incident.

I thought this was cute and brought the wrappers home and put them up on my refrigerator.  I think that was a mistake because they’ve been screaming at me ever since.  “What’s your dream?”  “What’s your dream?”  “What’s your dream?”  It’s like a bad song that’s haunting my brain that I can’t remove, no matter how loud I turn up the other music.  It always sneaks back into my brain.

A few days ago, Josh and I were talking (I can’t even remember what about) and all of a sudden he said, “So, what’s your deal?”  That caught me off guard and I said, “What?”  He said, “What’s been on your heart lately?  What’s your dream?  What can I help you accomplish?”

In all honesty, I think I’m avoiding this nagging question because I’m really struggling with the last dream I had.  My part of the dream is over.  The dream is still alive, but God is asking somebody else to finish the task.  I’ve done all that He has asked me to…I think. 

I am really relating to Moses right now.  God asked him to lead the children of Israel out of bondage and slavery in Egypt.  God gave Moses a vision of a promised land.  This was a difficult task and Moses didn’t want to do it, but he was the one that God chose and equipped to do the task.  He could’ve said, “No.”  But, what’s the point?  Those who say “no” to God lead unfulfilling lives.  He did it.  It was painful.  But, he did what God asked him to do.  As he got to the end, God allowed him see the Promised Land.  Moses wasn’t able to go into the Promised Land.  God asked Joshua to finish the task…but, Moses got to view the land promised to them.  That’s where I feel I am.  The job isn’t done.  But, I see the promise, and know that I have to let it go in order for God to complete His work.

That’s about all I can stomach right now.  I’ll try to recap the past couple of years during another blogging moment.  For now, I want to share a devotional I ran across recently.  I don’t know who the original author is…I’ll try to do some research to give credit where credit is due.

Where there is no vision, the people perish…
Proverbs 29:18 KJV

It is important to have dreams and visions for our lives. We atrophy without something to reach for. God has created us to have goals. We need to look beyond where we are.

Our dreams and visions are simply hope for a better tomorrow. When God plants a seed of something in our heart, at that point it is a possibility, but not a ‘positively’. That seed must be cared for properly.

Quite often the LORD attempts to place something in our heart and we fail to conceive that He really means what He is saying. We must remember that we cannot get pregnant with a dream or a vision unless we are able to conceive. Practically speaking, that refers to our thoughts.

We must believe a thing to be possible. We must be able to conceive it in our thoughts. If we do get past the conception, there is still the pregnancy to go through. There is much planning and preparation before the birth. Satan does everything he can to get us to abort our dreams and visions.

God has a vision for your life and He desires to plant it in your heart. Don’t have a ’spiritual abortion’. Give birth to all that God has placed within you.

Say this : I will not give up the dreams and visions God has placed within my heart. I am determined to see them through to the end.