Am I There, Yet?

I am a big, fat, miserable, stupid failure.  I have just thrown away the past three years of my life.  They are gone.  They are wasted.  I would be much better off had I just sat back and minded my own business and allowed things to continue the way they were headed.

I’m trying hard to complete my unfinished story and I can’t.  I find that I get angry when I think back.  I’m hurt and insecure and I don’t know if I want people to know the heartache I’ve been through.  Why?  Maybe because then people will see behind my mask.  They’ll see my insecurities.  They’ll see my loneliness.  They’ll see my struggle with depression.  They’ll see my weakness and pain. 

Or, maybe I can’t keep telling the story because I’m afraid people will try to minimize my experience…tell me that I’m making more of it then I should…that I’m just being dramatic and taking things too personally.  I am really, really sick of advice and superficiality and lame excuses.  Do people really think this is about me and not about God?  This is why I have failed.  I have failed to communicate that it’s not about me.  Why are people apologizing to me for not doing A or B or C?  If God has told them not to do A or B or C then they should not be apologizing to me or making excuses to me. 

I’m going into hibernation for awhile.  I need to surround myself with positive and supportive and encouraging people so I can finish the task and stay away from the negativity.  Please don’t take it personally.  I’m looking forward to saying “Adios!” and riding off into the sunset on my horse…but, for now I’ve gotta finish the job ahead of me first.