Am I There, Yet?

Every once in awhile blog.com decides to update their system and every time they do that…it messes up my blog.  For example, I had some codes posted on my sidebar.  One was a site meter and the other was a blogroll of other pastor’s wives blogs.  As of this week…I guess I’m no longer allowed to do that…unless I want to pay $25 a year.  I know…waaa, waaa, waaa.  What can I say?  I’m cheap!  I don’t mind paying the price for my cheapness.  I tolerate the advertisements I get on my blog…doesn’t that count for something?  I’m willing to have a free site with ads.  But, do you have to take away some of my blog rights?

Oh…and this time there’s a comment under my profile that says, “power of the knowledge.”  What the heck does that mean?  I didn’t put that there…nor, do I want it there.  I can’t find it in my editor to remove it.  Ugh!

So, here’s my dilemma…do I drop blog.com and start over with another free blog hosting site?  If I do that…then I feel as if I’m saying goodbye to an old friend. 

I’m starting over in real-life…does that mean I should start over in blog life?  I’m saying goodbye to my friends.  I’m saying goodbye to my home.  I’m saying goodbye to my church.  I’m saying goodbye to my parents.  I’m saying goodbye to my mountains.  I’m saying goodbye to everything familiar.  Must I say goodbye to my blog, too?

Am I over-reacting?  Is it a big deal for me to live without codes on my sidebar?  Or, should I just suck it up and pay the $25?  Naw….I’m not going to do that.

The truth of the matter is that I may no longer be mountaingirl for much longer.  Can I be mountaingirl and live far away from any mountains?

Ack…all these decisions! 

I was listening to the radio one night and this song came on.  I asked Josh if he’d heard it.  He hadn’t so I told him he had to listen to it because it was a sappy song about a man giving his daughter away (and I love sappy country songs!)  Our 5 year old daughter was in the room and she looked at me quizzically and asked what that meant and I told her that when a woman gets married that her daddy walks her down the aisle and gives her to her new husband.  I told her that Grandpa gave me away when I married her daddy.  She got even more concerned and asked if her daddy was going to give her away and I said, “Only if you want him to.”  By this point she was bawling and I tried to take it back and explain it to her in a way that should could understand…but, she couldn’t be consoled.  She ran to her daddy and crawled on his lap and through her tears she asked Josh not to give her away.  He made her a promise he’ll probably have to break in about 20 years.

Earlier this week we were in the car and the radio was on.  This song came on and I turned the radio up.  I could tell that Josh was thinking about the previous incident with his baby girl and the idea behind the song.  All of a sudden we heard a little girly voice from the back seat.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, Sweetie?”

“Can we go on a date today?”

Only somebody with a heart of steel could turn down that request.  At least she knows the art of timing and how to get what she wants.  Someday I hope she finds a husband with a soft heart like her daddy.

Speaking of daddies…today is my daddy’s birthday.  Happy Birthday, Dad!  I love you!  Oh…and thanks for giving me away to a wonderful man and teaching me not to settle for second best.

I LOVED HER FIRST, by Heartland

Look at the two of you dancing that way

Lost in the moment and each others face

So much in love you're alone in this place

Like there's nobody else in the world

I was enough for her not long ago

I was her number one

She told me so

And she still means the world to me

Just so you know

So be careful when you hold my girl

Time changes everything

Life must go on

And I'm not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first

And a place in my heart will always be hers

From the first breath she breathed

When she first smiled at me

I knew the love of a father runs deep

And I prayed that she'd find you someday

But it still hard to give her away

I loved her first

How could that beautiful women with you

Be the same freckle face kid that I knew

The one that I read all those fairy tales to

And tucked into bed all those nights

And I knew the first time I saw you with her

It was only a matter of time

But I loved her first and I held her first

And a place in my heart will always be hers

From the first breath she breathed

When she first smiled at me

I knew the love of a father runs deep

And I prayed that she'd find you someday

But it's still hard to give her away

I loved her first

From the first breath she breathed

When she first smiled at me

I knew the love of a father runs deep

Someday you might know what I'm going through

When a miracle smiles up at you

I loved her first

Do you want to help support a displaced pastor’s wife?  Will work for coffee!  (Translation:  Will sell all possessions on eBay to support Starbucks habit because husband no longer makes enough money to support said addictions.)  Check out my listings.

You’ll know I’m really desperate if you see my Seinfeld DVDs listed.  I haven’t hit that low of a point, yet.

Do you think I could sell my china on eBay?  Who really uses that stuff anyways?  I’ve been married for almost 11 years and have never pulled it out.

Oh…and don’t laugh at my size 8 pants.  Yes, I wore a size 8 at one point…most of my friends will remember that.  But, I haven’t been able to let go of them yet, because I spent so much money on them!!!  Yikes!

I lay there and said it slowly in my mind and really focused on the words.  It was more like this:

Trust in the LORD…

…with all your heart…

…and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him…

…and he will make your paths straight.

(repeat)

A couple of days ago I confessed to a friend of mine that I was doubting God.  Her response wasn’t very encouraging…she said, “I could tell.”  What?!?  I’m so good at hiding that stuff…or so I thought.  We all need friends we can’t hide things from, don’t we?  I didn’t really acknowledge my doubt until I actually said it to her (well…actually I typed it to her…we were IMing each other.) 

I started thinking about it a little bit more and realized that I didn’t really doubt God.  I didn’t doubt His existence or doubt that we are where He wants us to be or doubt that he’s looking out for us.  I guess the term I should’ve used (and more accurately) is the word “trust.”  I haven’t been trusting God.  This is painful for me to admit.  I love God.  He’s never let me down and has always provided for me.  Sure, I’ve had difficulties in life…painful experiences.  But, He is never the cause of pain…He is who I turn to when I’m in pain.  Every disappointment in life has brought me closer to Him…so I’m thankful for those difficulties.  Beauty for ashes.  Or…in the words of a country song…”The good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb.” 

The other night I was reading through Luke, chapter one.  I read verse 38 and it says, “‘I am the Lord’s servant,’ Mary answered.  ‘May it be to me as you have said.’”  I was reminded of a question proposed to me at the beginning of the summer, “Are you willing for God to do whatever it takes to change you in areas?”  I am the Lord’s servant.  May it be to me as you have said.  Am I reneging in my lack of trust?

God told us to jump.  We jumped.  It was exhilarating at first.  Now that we are near the bottom and our back-up parachute has shredded to pieces…will our other parachute open up?  Or, will there be a safety net near the bottom?  I’m panicking.  Panicking equals lack of trust.

I’ve been thinking about characters in the Bible who didn’t trust.  Sarah laughed at her promise.  Abraham got impatient when his promise wasn’t fulfilled right away and took matters in his own hands.  Zachariah lost his voice as a result of his questioning.

The night after I read Luke 1:38, I picked up my Bible again and continued in the same chapter.  I hit verse 45 and started crying.  It said, “Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished.“  I then prayed to God out of Mark 9:24, “I do believe; help me to overcome my unbelief!”

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him and he will keep your paths straight.”

Have you ever thought that pastor’s wives are a little weird*?  Well…if you haven’t then you should…because we are.    I recently read that Mark Driscoll said this about pastors, “Accept that your life is abnormal. Nothing about life as a ministry leader—from its emotional toll to relational demands and constant interruptions—is normal. Accepting that you are a freak with a freakish life will help you not to freak out.”  So…if our husbands are freakish…then we’ve got to be a bit abnormal, too.

I joined a pastor’s wives blogroll (see list on left) to further study this topic.  I’m hoping to find a camaraderie with pastor’s wives who are as peculiar as I.  If I’m wrong in my assumption, then I’ll continue on in my life…knowing that I’m the only freakish PW out there.

*Disclaimer:  This hasn’t been proven.  If you are a normal and un-weird pastor’s wife and are offended my this remark…please forgive me.  I’m using the terms “weird” “freakish” “abnormal” and “peculiar” in an endearing manner and with the utmost respect.  I truly adore pastor’s wives and my biggest pet-peeve is when people attack the pastor and his wife.

If you are reading this and have ever said anything bad about a pastor or his wife…REPENT!!!!    I’ll let you confess in the comments below.

…pretty gorgeous, isn’t it?

My heart is heavy today as last week marks the 1st anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and this week marks the 5th anniversary of 9/11.  I hope we take the time to remember those who have lost loved ones….not only in these two horrific tragedies…but, we also need to remember the families who’ve lost loved ones who’ve served our country in the armed forces.

I’m reminded of a quote I read in Rob Bell’s book, Velvet Elvis.  Bell says:

For Jesus, the question wasn’t, how do I get into heaven? But how do I bring heaven here?

Jesus’ desire for his followers is that they live in such a way that they bring heaven to earth.

What’s disturbing then is when people talk more about hell after this life than they do about hell here and now.  As a Christian, I want to do what I can to resist hell coming to earth.  Poverty, injustice, suffering…they are all hells on earth, and as Christians we oppose them with all our energies.  Jesus told us to.

Jesus tells a parable about the kind of people who will live with God forever.  It is a story of judgment, of God evaluating the kind of lives people have lived.  First he deals with the “righteous”, who gave food to the hungry, gave water to the thirsty, welcomed the stranger, clothed the naked, and visited the prisoner.  These are the kind of people who spend forever with God.  Jesus measures their eternal standings in terms of not what they said or believed but how they lived, specifically in regard to the hell around them.

The judge then condemns a group of people because they didn’t take care of the needy and naked and hurting in their midst.  They chose hell instead of heaven, and God gives them what they wanted.

I feel helpless today.  I have no comfort to give.  I cannot bring heaven on earth to those who’ve lived through hell.  I cannot ease anybody’s painful memories.  But, I can pray for those who are hurting today.  I will pray for those who lost loved ones on September 11, 2001.  I will pray for those who lost loved ones and homes during Hurricane Katrina.  I will pray for those who’ve lost a loved one in a war.  I will pray for those who serve our country in uniform…police officers, fire fighters, those in the armed services.  I will keep praying and I will never forget.

Today we sent our first born off to the big bad world of public school.    She said she was nervous a couple of days ago, but now that the day is here she had more excitement in her than nervousness.  I think her brother is handling this harder than anybody else in the family.  He seems a little bit depressed being left at home without her.

Last night my parents came over and invited the kids to play mini-golf with them on Friday night.  Our daughter said, “I can’t.  I’ve got school.”  She thinks she’s so grown up now.

I read the following from Erwin McManus’ book, Chasing Daylight.  It ticked me off, intrigued me and yet, it comforted me as well.  Maybe I just need medication.  LOL!!!  Anyways…I just wanted to share:

“Remember the old cliché that if God closes a door, He opens a window?  Have you found yourself wasting too much time sitting on the wrong side of the closed door, trying to figure out when God is going to build the window to facilitate your escape?  Let me make a simple observation that could change everything for you:  there are a lot more walls than there are doors and windows.

This is not to say we don’t come to this dilemma without cause.  Every once in a while we get an opportunity, a moment that is so sweet it is virtually impossible to miss.  There’s nothing subtle about it.  It just comes at us like a fastball racing for the sweet spot on our bat, a moment so full of possibility that even we couldn’t mess it up.

…

Those open doors and windows of opportunities are wrapped around what appears to be perfect timing.  It’s what is often described as being at the right place at the right time.  It’s walking in with your resume five minutes after the employer had someone with your qualifications quit.  It’s finally going to share the message of Jesus Christ with a friend who just prayed to God, If You’re out there, give me a sign.  It’s working backstage during auditions, and suddenly they decide you have the look they’ve been searching for.

But, unfortunately it isn’t always like this.  Most divine moments need to be seized, not simply walked through.  There are many times in our lives when we thought one opportunity was God’s door and then found that it was shut at the very last moment.  In the midst of our discouragement we find God creating a new opportunity we never imagined-that would be the window.  Yet many times what we find are closed doors, locked windows, long corridors, endless hallways-in other words, lots of walls.  It’s pretty easy to see the doors of opportunity, and it is always exhilarating when windows of opportunity open before us.  What can be missed are the endless divine opportunities hidden behind the walls that can be discovered only if we go through the walls.

Some of life’s greatest opportunities are not behind doors or windows, but behind walls.  They require genuine effort.  Beyond risk they require real sweat.  Our religious integration of Christianity with capitalism and consumerism has resulted in a view of life that says if God is in it, it comes easily.  Then when the inevitable difficulties come, when we hit the wall, we either assume God is not in it or conclude we’ve made a wrong choice in our pursuit.

I’ve become convinced over the years that the most important moments to seize, the most significant God opportunities, are the ones that do not come easily.  Even when they begin easy enough, oftentimes they become far more complex and difficult in the later phases.  It shouldn’t surprise us that giving ourselves to great things comes with a cost.  After all, if divine moments were that easy to seize, everyone would be living the abundant life of which Jesus spoke.“