Am I There, Yet?

…buy my house!!!!!

 

I like to watch The Office.  The humor on it strikes my funny bone and I seriously get the giggles when I watch it.  I was thinking the other day that there should be a show with the same format called The Home following a stay-at-home-mom around her workplace (the home) and watching her interact with her kids, neighbors, husband, friends, etc…

I feel like I’m in a sitcom at times.  I wonder if there are hidden cameras around so that people can laugh at me and what I have to deal with during the day.  You think your boss is wacky…try dealing with a boss that yells at me from the bathroom, “MOM…CAN YOU WIPE MY BOTTOM?” 

This morning I was trying to have a reasonable conversation with my 4 year old and it went like this:

 

4-year-old (showing me his red plastic toy baseball bat):  Mom, did I used to look like this when I was a kid?

Me:  No.

4-year-old:  No…Mom!  Did I used to look like this when I was a kid?

Me:  No, honey.  You did not look like that when you were a kid.

4-year-old:  MOM!!  DID.  I.  USED.  TO.  LOOK. LIKE. THIS.  WHEN. I.  WAS.  A.  KID?

Me:  Honey…you have never looked like a red plastic toy baseball bat.

4-year-old:  No!  MOM!!!  Did I used to look like this when I was a kid?

Me:  At one time you were as small as that bat when you were inside my belly before you were born, but you didn’t look like a red plastic baseball bat.

4-year-old:  Mom…you don’t understand.  Did I used to look like this when I was a kid?

Me:  Sweetie…you are a kid now.  Go to the bathroom and look in the mirror and you tell me whether or not you look like that bat.

4-year-old (not following my advice):  Mom…Did I used to look like this when I was a kid?

Me (finally figuring out that this is going nowhere):  Yes, Titus.  When you were a kid you looked like that bat.

4-year-old (laughing):  No I didn’t!  Silly, Mom!

That left me sitting there wondering if there’s any way I can get out of having conversations with this child.

I have a good friend who is an OB nurse.  I know she’s good at her job because she just got a “Caretaker of the month” award at the hospital she works at.  She now has a plaque and a reserved parking space at the hospital.  She worked hard to get there and I’m very proud of her.

The other night I had a dream about this friend.  I dreamt that I went to visit her at the hospital she works at.  When I got to the hospital I discovered that she was too busy to see me because the hospital was understaffed that night…there were no other nurses or doctors in the entire building.  So, here was my friend running around and taking care of all the patients in every department all by herself.  I remember being upset because she wouldn’t stop working long enough to talk to me.  It was one of those dreams that felt real and I woke up still a bit annoyed.

Ridiculous, huh?

Well, I told my friend about this dream and she asked me what I thought it meant.  I hadn’t thought about meaning and I said, “Uh…maybe it means that you’re too busy?”  She replied, “Or…maybe you are afraid about life here going on without you once you’re gone.”

Ouch.

There’s so much truth in that…I don’t even know where to start.  Of course I expect life to go on for my friends once I’m living elsewhere.  They’re going to continue getting together for coffee once or twice a month.  They’re going to celebrate birthdays together.  They’ll make it a priority to have a girls’ weekend away at least once a year.  They’re going to keep helping each other through difficult times.  I just won’t be there to experience it all with them.

Is this jealousy popping his nasty little nose into my life?

I think part of my issue is that I know how long it took for me and my friends to get to the level of closeness that we share.  I know that relationships take time.  I also know that I won’t have relationships that match that in our new community…at least not right away.

Just as I was in the midst of feeling sorry for myself for having to say goodbye to our west coast friends, Josh got a phone call from one of our new east coast friends.  That lifted his spirits, which encouraged me, too.  I know that we are going to a good place with some really cool people.  My friends will never be replaced.  I’m not ending my friendships here…I’ll just be gaining more friends.  I’m going on an adventure and I’ll live a much richer life for it.

One more thing to go along with my sappy mood…I heard this song before it even showed up on radio stations and every time I hear it I think of my girlfriends.  This is my wish for you!  Lovya!!!

MY WISH, Rascal Flatts

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin’ till you find the window,
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

More than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh more than anything, Yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

October is Clergy Appreciate Month and of course, the only people who know this are members of clergy.  No matter who you are or what church you go to I think I’m safe in assuming that your pastor would appreciate some appreciation.  You would not believe the number of undeserved complaints pastors get and I bet even the most appreciated pastors would enjoy getting a card from you thanking him or her for their faithfulness to God and the people in their community.

I think that a lot of pastors are misunderstood.  Most of them get into this gig because they just want to help people and see lives changed.

I would actually take this beyond vocational ministers.  I think this would be a great time to thank anybody who has sharpened you spiritually.  Thank the teachers who teach Bible stories to your child every Sunday morning.  Thank your Bible study leader and/or small group leader.  Thank your mentor.  Thank the youth pastor and workers who pour their lives into young people.  Thank the custodian for keeping the church building clean.

I guess I’d better put my money where my mouth is and go write some thank-you notes.

Last Monday morning I was sitting on a crowded plane next to two complete strangers.  I was looking through a folder prepared for us by a real estate agent from the community we’re considering moving to.  The man sitting next to me decided that would be a good time to start a conversation and asked if I was moving to that area.  He was formerly a police officer there and had a mass of information and knowledge about the community.  When I told him that my husband was considering a job there I knew the next question out of his mouth would be, “What does your husband do?”  That’s always an interesting question…I never know how people will respond to the answer.  “He’s a pastor.”  This time I got a “huh” followed by a long pause.  Then I got another question.  “Do you have any family or friends back there?”  “No.  All my family is on the west coast.”  Then I got the well-timed response.  “So…in a way…you’re moving back here to be a missionary.”

I say it was well-timed because it was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. 

Thirteen years ago I found myself at Bible College and not quite sure what I was doing there.  I spent the previous summer in Australia as a part of a short-term missions team and from that experience I knew that I was called to be a missionary.  However, I didn’t feel like foreign missions was my deal.  I had a burden for my own country.  I saw my own country in spiritual shambles.  I remember asking myself, why am I on the other side of the ocean sharing my faith with people here, when there are so many desperate, hurting people at home who need to hear the good news?  At that time, I was actually feeling guilty and un-spiritual about asking that question, because there’s no higher calling than missionary, right?    So, as mentioned earlier, I found myself at Bible College with no clear direction beyond that.  What I knew was that God called me to minister to hurting people.  What I didn’t know is who, what, where, when and how.  I only knew the why.  Thirteen years later…I still don’t have a lot of clarity to those questions.  I continue to take life in small bite-sized pieces…one step at a time.  There have been times when I found myself ministering to teens.  There have been times when I found myself working with women.  Sometimes I’m involved in small groups with a focus on hospitality.  Other times, I’ve found myself doing administrative office stuff…assisting those in the “trenches”…so to speak.  Other times, my role was to be a light to those I worked with outside of the church.

Ten months ago I asked God to give us a fresh burden and passion for a specific people group.  I knew we were being asked to leave our community.  God spent the previous year preparing our hearts for a change.  I asked Him to show us clearly where He wants us by drawing our hearts to a specific region of His globe.

America is extremely diverse.  Talk about a cross-cultural mission field!  Even the landscape is diverse.  This past year will forever remain in my mind as the year of adventure.  We’ve seen the Puget Sound and the Atlantic Ocean.  We’ve crossed the Hudson River, Delaware River, Mississippi River, Snake River and Columbia River.  We saw saguaro cacti in Arizona, the badlands in South Dakota, corn fields in Iowa, nothing in Nebraska (lol…j/k!) and giant evergreen trees in Washington.  We saw big, gorgeous mountains in the Rocky Mountain Range, Teton Mountain Range and the Cascade Mountain Range.  Last Monday we flew directly over Mt. St. Helens and I got to see a bird’s eye view of the crater inside.  We saw bison, elk and a bear at Yellowstone National Park.  We saw boats sailing on Lake Michigan.  We saw cowboys in Wyoming, farmers in Wisconsin and business men, street vendors and tourists in New York City and Philadelphia.  We saw Native Americans living on reservations.  We saw familiar American landmarks…the Liberty Bell, The Space Needle, The Statue of Liberty, Mt. Rushmore and Ground Zero.  We’ve talked to people with southern accents, New Jersey and New York accents, Minnesota and Wisconsin accents, English accents, Italian accents, middle-eastern accents, Spanish accents and Irish accents.

So…is America a cross-culture mission field?  Holy cow…you’d be ignorant to say it wasn’t.

So…back to the original comment from a stranger on a plane.  As we prepare to move to the other side of the country, far away from everything familiar, I can view it two different ways.  I can say, “We’re moving to pursue a job opportunity for my husband” or I can say, “We’re moving to be cross-culture missionaries on the east coast.”  If I say the former…it’s all about Josh and his ministry.  If I say the latter…it’s about our mission and calling.  I want to continue to seek God to discover my unique role in this move, because God called both of us.  Even though Josh is the one who is getting the “job”…God lay the burden for this community on my heart, too.  I think this is important, because when things get difficult, I want to know in my heart that God purposefully brought both of us to that specific place for a specific reason.  I do not want to become a jaded pastor’s wife and I know that if I continue to seek God and His will that He will continue to reveal His plan for my life and that will keep my heart from turning to stone during difficult circumstances. 

Jesus’ last words to the disciples while he was still here on earth were recorded in Acts 1:8.  He says, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”  Yes, Jesus was specifically addressing the disciples and yes, he was specifically speaking of the regions directly related to where they were at the time and yes, that mission is continuing on, even today.  I think we can relate this scripture on a personal level within our own personal context.  We still have access to the Holy Spirit’s power.  Jesus still wants us to be His witnesses in our community and to purposefully spread His life-changing story.  The disciples were in Jerusalem when Jesus spoke these words to them.  Jesus wanted them to start spreading the news…starting with where they were…at that specific point in time. 

Jesus didn’t send them immediately to a foreign land to spread the gospel.  It was a very strategic move to get these people to do His work…beginning in their community.  How can we think we can be effective in spreading the gospel elsewhere…if we can’t even do it in our own neighborhood?  My point is that all of us are called to be missionaries and we need to view ourselves as such and our mission field is where we are…today.  It’s that whole “think globally, act locally” mentality.

So, what happened after Jesus spoke those words to His disciples?  Well, Pentecost happened and then Peter spoke the powerful truth (via the Holy Spirit) in Jerusalem and Acts 2 says that three thousand were added to their number that day.  From there the first church was planted.  The church was Jesus’ plan to continue His work and mission here on earth.  The church was the vehicle that spread the gospel from Jerusalem, throughout Judea and Samaria and throughout the rest of the earth. 

Cross-cultural missions has a different meaning today.  It is no longer just about crossing an ocean.  The soccer mom who reaches across age and social boundaries to minister to a teenager is a cross-cultural missionary.  The businessman who feeds homeless people at a soup-kitchen is a cross-cultural missionary.  The nurse and teacher whose lifetime work is helping the young, sick and weak are cross-cultural missionaries.

Even little, west coast me.  California born, Oregon raised, saying goodbye to everything comfortable and familiar…I am a cross-cultural missionary.  I hope that I can live up to that role.  I do know that I can only do it through the power of the Holy Spirit…the same power the disciples relied on to fulfill Jesus’ mission for their lives.  I desperately hope to one day hear my Father say to me, “Well done.”

I’ve got a bit of blogger’s block I’m trying to kick.  Part of it may be that I just got back from the East Coast and I’m still feeling a bit dizzy from it all. 

Last Thursday we said “goodbye” to the Space Needle (we flew out of Seattle) and “hello” to the Statue of Liberty.  We got back yesterday and I had a 24 hour headache and stomach something.  Sorry if that’s TMI.

We had a whirlwind weekend and met a ton of people and connected with those we met before.  We’re considering taking the job back there and it’s been such a crazy journey that I can’t even begin to record all of it.  God has stretched us and asked a lot of us.  I’ve shared quite a bit already in my blog, but there’s no way of truly expressing the entire thing.

This was our second trip out there.  While we were back on the East Coast the first time I had an amazing prayer time and God really spoke to me.  I remember the whole experience being surreal and I asked God, “What in the world are we doing here?”  I grabbed my Bible and it was literally one of those situations where the Bible fell open to a passage that I needed to read.  Mark 10:35-45 is the story of James and John asking Jesus if they could sit at his right and left hand in glory.  In verses 42-45 Jesus says, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  This is a verse I’ve heard many times, however, that day I really felt strongly that God was saying to me that we need to come and be a servant to these people.  I felt Him saying that if I truly want to become like Jesus…I need to serve.  Serve until it hurts.  Serve with no glory.  Serve without any expectations or pride or fear.  Serve with unconditional love.  I still feel so strongly in my heart that God was speaking to me specifically about that place.  I was so touched by it and decided to go backwards in the Bible (I wanted to read the entire chapter to get a better feel for the passage) and I found the story of the Rich Young Man in verses 17-31.  Verses 29-31 say this, “I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”  I really don’t believe that God could’ve spoken louder to me with this (and I didn’t miss the persecutions part, either).  I said, “O.K., God.  If this is where you want us to come, I’m willing to give all of that up to serve the people here.”  And ever since then…none of that has left my heart and the desire to go to the east coast becomes stronger every day…even though things don’t make sense right now.  We just want to have open and pure hearts and want to do exactly what God wants us to do.

All of this was confirmed during our second trip.  Some of my fear about this situation was that I was idealizing this place.  I wanted to go back to make sure we were still drawn there.  I wanted to see the place with wide open eyes and make sure that I wasn’t glamorizing anything.  I actually felt like I was home while we were back there this time.  Our eyes were opened wide to the amount of work that needs to be done.  This is a good thing.  If there wasn’t a lot of work to be done we wouldn’t consider taking the job.  We need to be somewhere where there’s a challenge to be met.  We want to be a part of something that’s bigger than us.  We want to experience only what God can do through and around us.

Changing the subject, I have to laugh as I review some of my misconceptions of what this whole thing would be like.  Some of those misconceptions are found in this post.  Last June (before we ever visited the East Coast) I asked these questions:  But, what if the change of culture means going to the other side of the country and live where people call each other Mr. and Mrs. Lastname and wear suits and ties and embrace intellectual-ism and sing more traditional music?  I would have to give up Tomlin and Crowder.  I would have to throw away my flip-flops.  I would have to keep my tattoos covered.  This is all foreign to me…yet, all of these issues are non-essential to the gospel.   I’m a west coast girl, born and raised.  Will I fit in on the east coast?  I didn’t even graduate from college and could possibly be living next door to an ivy-league university.  Will people look down on my because of my “breeding” and lack of education?

It doesn’t look like I’ll have to start calling people by Mr. and Mrs. Lastname and buy a bunch of ties for my husband.  However, the intellectual-ism and traditional music is something I’ll have to accept.  Will people look down on me because of my lack of education?  The answer is a big fat YES!  I didn’t graduate from college.  I’m a constant learner, but I haven’t gone in debt to get a formal education.  I’ve already gotten some raised eyebrows from some who found out that I’m a college drop-out.  Does that change who God made me, how He views me and His plan for my life?  The answer is a big fat NO!  I may go back to school at some time, but right now I’m raising my kids.

I’ve also heard people say that East Coasters are rude.  I haven’t found that to be true.  They’re honest, but also very friendly.  I think that if you’re friendly to people, more often than not they’ll be friendly back.  I’ve found them to be quick-witted and funny.  Their accents are endearing.  I love the diversity.  I haven’t seen diversity like that since our last visit to Pasadena. 

That’s it for now.  I think my blogger’s block is gone.  I have a ton more thoughts…but, I’ll save those for another day.  I’m so tired.  It’s only 9:30, but I think I’m still on East Coast time.  Josh is already asleep.  This is higly unusual for us. 

Thanks for your prayers and encouragement.

Sorry about my whiney post the other night.  I didn’t realize how stressed out I was until I took it out on my blog!  (Sorry, blog!)

This is a two part post.  I’ve tried to blog numerous times and just can’t get my thoughts out.  However, I want to share our journey…so here’s my attempt.

PART I

Why am I stressed?  Where do I start?  Whew…life is so crazy.  Am I stressed because my husband has been looking for a new job since January?  Am I stressed because it’s now October and things haven’t turned out how we thought they should?  I posted about the joys of trying to find church work in this post.  Here’s an excerpt:

However looking for work at an existing church is a very difficult thing to do.  In existing churches, the “HR” department is comprised of volunteers who belong to a committee formed to try to find Jesus, and only Jesus, to take the job as their pastor.  Not only does the potential candidate have to be able to walk on water and feed thousands of people with a single loaf of bread, the potential candidate must also have at least 8 years of schooling, 20 years of experience as a pastor and should be young enough to reach the younger generation and old enough to engage the older generations.  This potential pastor must have an equal passion for evangelism and discipleship.  He must be able to reach all of the “church outsiders” and bring them in to their church and preach “deep” enough to help the existing “church insiders” feel intellectually stimulated and spiritually smarter.

 

Every single church in America lies.  Every church says, “We’re ready for change.”  Liars.  I’d like to see one church that is honest with themselves and just say, “We don’t want to change.  We want a pastor who will come in and help us feel good about ourselves so we don’t have to leave our comfort zone.  We want a pastor who will work hard, so that we won’t have to.” 

 

What else am I stressed about?  Am I stressed about our house not selling?  We live in a hot market for real estate and the second we listed it…saturation hit.

 

In reality…I should be stressed out about all of this.  But, I’m strangely not.  I don’t think I’m in denial.  God has taken us on an incredible journey…especially over these past 4 months.  I wish I could tell you everything He’s doing in our hearts.  I’m grateful for every step taken down this crazy, windy road.  It’s been tough and emotional…but, so good.  It’s comforting knowing that He’s in full control.

 

I’ll tell you where my stress comes from.  I’m going to be completely honest here.  My stress comes from the conflict within me.  More than anything, I want to be completely obedient to God and His call on our lives.  I believe that God speaks to our hearts.  The conflict in me is that my mind and heart don’t always agree.

 

I’ll be a little bit more specific.  At the beginning of the summer we had three potential ministry opportunities.  All three looked promising and we were encouraged about the prospects.  We spent time in all three locations and visited with people in the communities and churches.  We spent two months praying, fasting, seeking godly advice, pouring over scripture, dreaming together and examining our motives.  Throughout that entire process, one opportunity shone above the others.  One opportunity grasped our hearts and wouldn’t let go.  This strong heart desire was in both of our hearts.  Josh and I had the same thoughts and feelings about this place and a heavy burden for the community.  It was such a strong heart desire that I begged God to take the desire for this place out of our hearts, because it looked like we weren’t going to get the job and it felt as if it were clouding our judgment from something else. 

 

I was right…they didn’t want us for the job we applied for.  However, they’re asking us to consider another job on staff.  This is where the inner conflict / stress comes from.  This is where the heart vs. head comes in.  As we pray about this new possibility, we know that something in our hearts was beckoning us to this place.  We believe that something was God and we want to honor Him and obey Him.  However, this other job isn’t something we would’ve normally considered.  In fact, we would’ve turned it down if it would’ve been offered to us a couple of months ago.

 

We know that ministry has nothing to do with position.  God could be asking us to go to this community that He’s placed on our hearts to clean toilets.  Would we do that?  Would we pack up our children and move far away to serve without a title?  I’d like to say that I’d do it in a heartbeat…if I felt that was what God was asking us to do.  After all…Jesus came to serve and didn’t seek a title.  Mark 10 has spoken volumes to me throughout this time.  Read it…it’s good. 

 

However, in our heads we have a lot of questions.  In our heads we have a lot of red flags.  On paper, this opportunity makes no sense.  But, we’re just trying to follow God’s leading.  Why does God continually ask us to do things that don’t make sense?  1 Corinthians says that the wisdom of the world is foolishness to God.

 

I guess I just need to keep going back to this experience.  I need to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.  In all my ways I must acknowledge Him and He promises to direct my paths.  (Proverbs 3:5,6)

 

So, we’re going back to visit.  We’re going back to meet more people, engage in more conversations and seek God’s heart.  We’ve made that decision and cannot start with all the ”what ifs?” until we do this.  As my mom says, I’m “borrowing things to worry about.”

 

This leads me to PART II (Spiritual Warfare)

 

This is a scary topic, isn’t it?  I’ve noticed that this is a taboo topic among a lot of evangelical Christians.  I grew up with a pentecostal background and so this topic was overly used.  It seemed that if something went wrong in somebody’s life that it was spiritual warfare or Satan working against them.  In other Christian circles, it’s never mentioned because it’s such a mysterious thing.  As with everything, there’s got to be a balance, right?

 

Ephesians 6:12 says, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

 

Scary…isn’t it?  What does it mean? 

 

I’m just going to share my experience this weekend and let you be the judge.

 

Last night I was sitting on the couch by myself and all of a sudden I felt what can only be described as a strong presence of God.  Seriously.  I had this amazing sense that God was with me and that He was asking me to pray for my family.  It was so real it scared me.  I didn’t know what to pray, so I prayed for my family.  I visually lifted them up to Him and held them before God.  I prayed for safety.  I prayed for continual direction and guidance from God.  I prayed for health.  I didn’t know what else to pray.  I felt like God was telling me that evil was fighting against us and I needed to be vigilant.

 

Some of you are going to think I’ve totally lost it…but, this was my experience.

 

Fast forward to this morning.  Josh and I were being lazy and sleeping in.  I vaguely heard my kids come out of their rooms and get breakfast.  I sort of heard them playing upstairs.  I was half asleep and I suspect Josh was, too.  All of a sudden I was wide awake and heard my son’s very quite, muffled voice saying, “Let me out!”  I knew immediately where he was and jumped up and said, “He’s in the bucket!”  Josh and I both jumped out of bed and ran upstairs.  We found him in one of those Rubbermaid 92 quart storage bins with the lid locked on top.  Apparently, my kids were playing “tiger.”  My son was the tiger and my daughter was the tiger trainer.  She told him to get into his cave and after he did, she closed and locked the air-tight lid on top of him.  She’s only 5…he’s only 3.  They didn’t know any better.  The only reason they even had the container is because I emptied it after selling a bunch of stuff on eBay and my son thought it made a great grocery cart.  He liked to push it around and fill it with his toys.  It was a great way for him to pick up his toys…so I let him play with it.

 

What would’ve happened if I didn’t hear his quiet muffled voice?  Was it a divine prompting from God that woke me up at that moment?  Was my prompting to pray for safety for my family connected to our experience this morning?  Some may argue it was just a coincidence…I don’t believe it was. 

 

I do believe that spiritual forces of wickedness are fighting for our soul. 

 

Does any of this have anything to do our upcoming trip and possible ministry opportunity?