Am I There, Yet?

I crave balance in my life.  Balance (to me) is physical, spiritual and emotional health.  It’s all related.  When chaos reigns in the home, I feel unbalanced.

A couple of weeks ago Josh was sitting on the couch with our son and all of a sudden said, “I have a fever.”  I said, “Seriously?”  I don’t know why thought he’d be joking.  Maybe I just didn’t want to believe him.  He really did have a fever and after 36 hours of it not going down, he went to the doctor only to find out he had influenza.  He came back home and stayed in bed for 5 full days.

I rallied my “troops” and many people prayed for us.  As a stay-at-home mom, I can’t afford to get that sick.  Who would take care of me and the kids while I’m in bed?  Thank God my children both had their flu shots. 

I felt unbalanced.

I felt like a single mom trying to take care of three children and keep balance in my home.  I don’t know how single moms do it.

I was vigilant in my fight against the flu.  I downed Airborne like a junkie.  I washed our sheets, blankets and pillow cases every day.  I Clorox wiped everything Josh touched.  I took extra vitamins and ate my fruits and veggies.

The first day Josh was feeling like he could function, he went downstairs and made a pot of coffee and woke me up with a fresh cup of coffee.  That was the first time I felt like I could breath again in over a week.  Things were back to normal.  I felt balanced again.

During the time that Josh was sick, it felt as if the rest of my world was unbalanced.  I didn’t get physically sick, but my emotional health was out of balance.  I was stressed out about Josh’s health.  I had to work extra hard to keep things under control in the house.  I also felt out of balance spiritually.  My spiritual life consisted of “popcorn” prayers…short little bursts of prayers haphazardly thrown up in the air.  “God, please heal Josh.”  “Jesus, give me the strength to take care of my family.”  “Please don’t let me get sick.” 

Life is constantly changing and requires constant adjustment.  Trying to achieve balance during every situation can be tricky.  I find that it’s easy for me to have a rhythm when life is “normal.”  I can have scheduled quiet times, meals for my family, appointments, etc…  But, when I get out of my zone…say we take a vacation…I find that I don’t necessarily make certain things a priority…namely my quiet time with God.

Josh is out of town this week and my life is slightly out of balance again.  But, I’m learning to recognize the times when I need to keep balance in the midst of making adjustments.  You’d think I would have this mastered by now…maybe it’s a battle I’ll continue to face my entire life.  Maybe God’s trying to teach me something through constant change when all I desire is structure and a sense of normalcy.

Many of my friends are going through difficult life circumstances that could easily throw them off balance.  My prayer is that they’ll be able to continue resting in God in the midst of their storms of uncertainty. 

I was deeply moved by this and hope you take a few minutes to watch this video:

Ack!  I got tagged!  The challenge was to list 6 strange things about me.  I accept the challenge, so here it goes:

1. I always have the best epiphanies in the shower….seriously!  I think the hot steamy water washes away my cobweb brain and gives me clarity.  My greatest ideas have come during a shower.
2. Since I’ve been driving, I’ve lived in the only two states in
   America where it’s illegal to pump your own gas.
3. My favorite Jelly Belly flavor is buttered popcorn.
4. I’ve never, ever attended a public school.
5. I’ve lived in one country, three states, twelve towns and twenty homes in my 31 years and 10 months of life.
6. I refuse to eat eggs.  I will not eat them in any form…scrambled, boiled, fried, poached, etc…  I will not eat them in an omelet.  I will not eat them in a quiche.  I will not eat them, Sam I Am.

If you are reading this and don’t have a blog…consider yourself tagged.  You can use the comments to list 6 strange things about yourself.  Can’t wait to read them!

I keep attempting to blog, but feel like I don’t have anything in my life right now that’s blogworthy.  I have a bunch of small random stuff…nothing big.  So I thought I would do a quick haphazard update and hope that it’ll kick my bloggers block.

• I’m getting out and doing more social things lately.  This is good.  I admit that I haven’t been proactive in finding and making new friends, but God has been placing people in my life that I am connecting really well with.  One couple invited our family to go to the aquarium with them a couple of weeks ago.  We were invited to two Super Bowl parties (we only attending oneJ) and I’ve met a couple of different women for lunch at a couple of different times.  The reason I say that God has brought these people in my life is that I haven’t done anything to seek out friendships, and yet I find myself surrounded by friends.  I’m extremely grateful because this cross-country move would be much more difficult without good relationships.
• We’re getting out and exploring the area.  I mentioned our visit to the aquarium.  It’s on the Delaware River across from Philadelphia.  Last Saturday we took the kids to the shore.  Side note #1:  I’ve always lived relatively near the ocean…but different regions call it by different names.  In California, it was the beach.  In Oregon, it was the coast.  Here in New Jersey, it is the shore.  Side note #2:  We were at a friend’s house looking at some pictures and there was a beautiful one of the ocean with the sun low on the horizon.  The sky was a vibrant orange and pink.  I was thinking, “What a beautiful sunset” when somebody else said, “What a beautiful sunrise!”  It took me a second to figure that one out.  LOL!!!
• It is extremely cold.  This is really weird because the beginning of January came with extremely warm temps.  The last couple of days we’ve had negative temps with the wind chill factor.  That means I’m doing a lot of knitting and coffee drinking.
• I got an particularly bad haircut.  I’ve never had a haircut that I hated as much as this one.  Seriously.  The right side is cut longer than the left side and some of the top layers are longer than some of the layers below.  It’s seriously horrid.  To top it off…I had it cut right before I got my new drivers’ license photo taken…which means I’ll have a permanent reminder of my first Jersey ‘do.  Thank God the weather is cold and I have a great excuse to wear hats in public.    
• I’m working on an organization plan for my house and a better parenting plan for my family (the current one isn’t working as well as I’d like!)  I’m reading Creative Correction (Welchel) and Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes…in You and Your Kids (Turansky and Miller).  I’m also reading Enjoying the Presence of God: Discovering Intimacy with God in the Daily Rhythms of Life by Jan Johnson.  Ironically enough, I believe all of this is in the same category.  My spirituality overflows into my parenting and housekeeping skills.  I’m taking baby steps in these areas…so it’s far from perfect.
• Josh’s job has been interesting.  He’s had his ups and downs…as do most people in their jobs.  This has been difficult for me because I just want to see him thriving in an environment where he has the freedom to do what only he can do and continue to sharpen his gifts to glorify God and help people.  I want to be a part of something that’s so much bigger than us that all we have to do is sit back and admire God’s amazing work around us and be humbled that He wants to use us.  Instead, I see Josh working too many hours on menial tasks working in a maintenance role.  Josh is not a maintainer…he’s a creator.  He’s not a settler…he’s a pioneer.  So, what the heck are we doing here?  When I find myself questioning this I have to keep going back to Proverbs 3:5 & 6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.”  For some reason God has Josh in this role for this season and I think Josh is doing a great job of having a good attitude and working hard without complaining.  I do all his complaining for him.  Why does Josh’s job affect me?  Because, I miss his energy and passion and I’m fearful that he’s losing steam and giving up on his dream.  There are certain things in life that energize him and he’s so great when he’s in his element.  There are certain things that stifle his passion and it’s hard when he comes home with a lack of motivation.

Please don’t judge me on this.  I know that God places people in places they don’t understand in order to accomplish something they didn’t expect.  I’m sure that Joseph didn’t understand why he was thrown into prison when he believed that God gave him the dream of being a great leader.  I’m sure that Paul didn’t understand why he was in prison when he was called to be a missionary.  I also know that Biblical greatness is being a servant to all…and that’s truly Josh’s heart.  I’ve seen it.  I’ve seen him set aside his own dreams and desires to passionately pursue God’s heart.  I’ve seen him obey when it hurts.  The very fact that we are here is a big example of that.  In my human mind and understanding…Josh should be planting a church right now…he definitely has what it takes to do this.  But, God said, “Wait.”  So, we’re waiting.  Perhaps this is our prison. (*tongue in cheek*)  I know in my heart that this is the place we need to be right now.  This may be a means to an end and I can’t waste my time here wondering what else is out there.  I need to immerse myself in what we have going on here and enjoy the journey.  God has many things to teach me and I want to be a good student.

Besides…it’s not like Josh isn’t doing anything.  Good things are happening…it’s not all doom and gloom.  He’s a natural leader and people naturally follow him.  He inspires and motivates people.  We find ourselves surrounded by extraordinary people and this has been a fun experience for the majority of the time.  I’m just being honest about some of my feelings and struggles.

So that’s my random nutshell.

Here’s a picture of the kids and Josh at “the shore.”  The Atlantic Ocean is just as beautiful as the Pacific Ocean and there’s less chance for my sins to wash up on this beach.  (HaHaHa…inside joke for my girls…)