Am I There, Yet?

Good news!  My dad’s PSA count came back and it’s still low.  It’s at 0.90.  For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about…here’s the quick scoop.  My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer about a year and 1/2 ago.  He’s not a typical prostate cancer candidate in that he’s only in his 50’s and he’s otherwise physically healthy.  The doctor’s went in to remove the prostate which should’ve cleared it up, but discovered that the cancer had spread into his lymph nodes and they were unable to surgically remove it.  Chemotherapy wasn’t an option because chemo only works in fast growing cancer cells and prostate cancer is a slow growing cancer.  Radiation wasn’t an option because that is only used for localized spots of cancer and because of the location of the cancer in Dad’s body, radiation would’ve done damage to major organs.  So, Dad’s been on hormone therapy for the past year +.  They keep checking his PSA score to make sure the numbers keep going down.  From my understanding, hormone therapy will eventually stop working because the cancer will build immunity to it.  Hormone therapy doesn’t fight cancer…it just keeps it from spreading for awhile.  The doctors can tell if it’s working by monitoring his PSA score.  The numbers have to stay low.  If the numbers start to go back up then that means the hormone therapy isn’t working.  So…the numbers are down and he’s doing great.  Woohoo!

Here’s a picture of me and my dad taken last month (’ve already shared this recently, but thought it was appropriate to share again!):

Bad news…my daughter is on day three of a high fever.  She’s complaining about headaches and a sore throat.  My son has florescent green boogers and has a deep chest cough.  (Sorry if too much information!)  Argh!!!

There’s been lots of cuddling in our house lately.  Thanks for your prayers!!!

Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad!  Happy Birthday, Dad!  (Only you and I know this is a day late…we won’t tell anybody else.) 

Thanks for being awesome role models.  I am so fortunate to have parents who are still married.  I didn’t fully appreciate this until I became an adult.  This is rare and I fully appreciate it.  Thank you!

Dad, I’m so proud of you.  Thanks for being so strong, especially this past year with all of the unimaginable cancer news.  You’ve done an awesome job with staying healthy and strong.  I appreciate your discipline and am praying for you daily.  I love you.

Mom, you’ve exhibited the “through sickness and health” vows with excellence and grace.  Thanks for being a fabulous mom.  I know many girls and women throughout my life who wish they could claim you as their mom.  I guess I got lucky!  I love you.

I was posting some pictures and some thoughts on Randy’s death and funeral last night and discovered something really goosebumpy.  On Wednesday morning (April 13^th) I woke up from a very disturbing dream about my dad dying.  It was so impressionable I blogged about it.  Fast forward one week.  On Wednesday morning (April 20^th) I woke up to a very disturbing phone call that my cousin passed away.  Randy is actually my dad’s 1^st cousin, so I guess that makes him my 2^nd cousin.  We’re a very close family and it was very traumatic for us all.   

Heart disease runs rampant in my family.  Heart attacks have killed a lot of men in my family, including my grandpa (he was 52) and Randy’s dad.  Randy was the one so determined to beat it and he encouraged other men in my family to eat healthy and stay healthy so that heart disease wouldn’t kick our butts again.

My dad has prostate cancer.  That threw us all for a loop.  We all knew that heart disease was a threat, but nobody thought that cancer would show its puny, scaredy-cat little face around us.  Here’s the kicker.  During Randy’s autopsy, they discovered that it was indeed a heart attack that killed him.  But, they also discovered 2 tumors in his kidneys that were thought to be cancerous.  That scared the crap out of all of us.

After I blogged my dream on the 13^th I went to check my email and saw an article on my home page about the top 10 killers of men in America.  #1 was heart disease and #2 was cancer.  I remember thinking about how ironic it was that my dad and his brothers and cousins were so concerned about heart disease and that it was cancer that is now threatening my dad’s life.  Come to find out, both are still imminent threats. 

I don’t mean to be so morbid right now…I’m just trying to process it all.  I don’t want to live in fear…I want to make the most of the time we have left.  But, life is so temporary.  The truth is that none of us know how much time we have left to live.  We only have one chance, and I want to make the most of it.

Right after I posted my last entry about my dream, I ran across this article on MSN Health and Fitness:  http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100050685?GT1=6327

Here’s a snapshot of the 10 leading killers of American men in 2002:

No. 2 — Cancer

In 2002, 288,768 men died of cancer, the second-leading cause of death for both sexes. Lung cancer — 90 percent of it caused by cigarette smoking — is the most common cause of cancer death in both sexes. In 2002, it killed 90,171 men.

Prostate cancer and colorectal cancer — both of which are associated with a high-fat diet — are the second- and third-leading causes of cancer death in men. In 2002, they claimed 30,466 and 28,501 men’s lives, respectively.

Some preventive measures you can take:

• Don’t smoke or use other tobacco products.

   

• Eat a varied diet, rich in fruits, vegetables and low-fat foods.

   

• Maintain a healthy weight.

   

• Get at least 30 minutes of exercise most days of the week.

   

• Limit your exposure to sun and use sunscreen.

   

• Drink alcohol only in moderation, if at all.

   

• Be aware of potential cancer-causing substances (carcinogens) in your home and workplace, and take steps to reduce your exposure to these substances.

   

• Have regular preventive health screenings.

   

• Know your family medical history and review it with your doctor.

   

I had a disturbing dream last night.  I dreamt that my dad died.  There wasn’t a death or funeral scene…it was just about us existing without him.  I must’ve been in the shock stage of my grieving process, because I had to keep reminding myself (in my dream) that he was gone.  It was very difficult to watch my mom go through life without him.

What a relief to wake up and discover it was only a dream.

I don’t really know why I dreamt it.  He’s feeling healthy and his oncologist is very pleased with how he’s doing.  Perhaps I dreamt it because I ran into a friend yesterday who just lost her husband to pneumonia.  Well, it was actually leukemia that killed him, but the pneumonia just sped up the process.  It was extremely heart wrenching to talk to her.  She was pretty weepy.  I wished that there was something I could do for her.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be in a place where there was no death or pain or cancer or leukemia? 

My kids stayed at my parents’ house last weekend while J and I were in Pasadena .  I got this email from my mom yesterday.  She was just reporting in about her weekend with the kids.  I’m so thankful that my kids live near their grandparents and have a good relationship with them.  I didn’t realize that my 4 year old had picked up on my dad’s health/cancer thing…

We really had a lot of fun with the kids this weekend.  They’re always so good for us, and I got some good cuddle time with both of them (I’ll take it while I can get it!). 

We were making grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch one day and T asked if he could have cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich.  They helped me make whole wheat chocolate chip cookies for Grandpa on Friday (tastier than it sounds). 

Great-grandma took them for a walk to their new house, then back to our house and down to the stop sign. They took cookies with them on their walk.  I mentioned something about homemade applesauce being better than store-bought, and L asked if I’d teach her how to make applesauce.  So we had more cooking lessons on Saturday. 

We rented Veggie Tales Jonah and watched it twice.  Also bought a Memory card game with colorful pictures (T does amazingly well for a 2-year-old).  We went to Ben & Jerry’s to spend a gift certificate that someone had given me.  L was concerned that Grandpa was eating ice cream: “Does that have sugar in it?”  When we explained it was sorbet and healthier than ice cream, she said, “Because you’re a little bit sick and have to eat only healthy foods, huh.” 

All for now!

Love,

Mom

I forgot to pass on the exciting news about my dad…this is regarding the big “C” word that’s been looming in our hearts since November. 

CANCER.

Ugghhh…I hate even typing the word.  It’s such an ugly word.  I wrote it in big letters because for some reason it seems so big today.  Other days I can say that it seems like a non-existent word and I can write in itty bitty letters.

Anyhoo…this is an excerpt from an email my dad wrote…

I want to thank everyone for your continued prayers for me.  I had my first shot three months ago and at that time the doctor told me in three months my PSA (which was 44.23) should be in the single digits.  I went to the doctor for my second shot yesterday and my PSA had dropped to 2.0.  So everything seems to be working.  I am taking the shots, walking every day and we have changed our diet, but it is the prayers I am counting on and need the most.

As long as my PSA stays low, they will keep me on the shots for two years, then they will take me off the shots and will monitor my PSA.  I will stay off the shots until my PSA starts to rise again.  Pray that my PSA goes to zero and stays there. 

I feel great.  I am probably healthier than I ever have been.

I got caught!  My husband caught me crying last night.  That is a rare occasion.  And the stupid thing was that it was over a movie.  We watched The Notebook last night and at the end of the movie, I bawled like a baby.  It wasn’t just a lump in my throat, or a tear in my eyeball, this was full blown tears and snot dripping down my face.  

Why don’t I like people seeing me cry?  I really don’t know.  Maybe I think it’s a sign of weakness.  I used to tease my mom for crying at movies.  Am I just turning into a softie?  Am I turning into my mom?

The last time I cried was in November.  I got the phone call from Mom at the hospital when she got the news that Dad’s cancer had spread too far and that the surgeon was unable to operate on him.  I cried uncontrollably.  My 4 year old was deeply disturbed.  But, I managed to pull it together so I could call my brother, uncle and husband to pass the news on.  Luckily, those were all very short conversations.  Then, throughout the rest of the month I would cry myself to sleep every night.  I would wait until my husband was asleep, first.

From that point on, every time I called my mom, my 4 year old told me not to cry.

It felt good to cry last night.  I felt like a weight was taken off me.  I actually felt healthier when I went to bed, aside from the bruised ego.

The following are some quotes I’ve found from different books and music I’ve read and listened to recently. I’ve been struggling with “joy” because my dad was diagnosed with cancer 3 months ago and I couldn’t figure out how to discover joy midst difficult circumstances. One main thought about joy is that it is a choice. I choose joy. The following quotes and scriptures have helped me discover joy:

¢May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.¢

Romans 15:13 (NIV)

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¢As (we) crossed over a little bridge, we stopped and looked at the brook that flowed beneath it and sounded so pleasant and refreshing. Peering over the rail, we were surprised to discover the cause of the water¦#39;s sweet sound. We saw piles of large jagged rocks that were impeding the water¦#39;s surface, even redirecting its path. Nevertheless, the little brook gave forth utterly joyful sounds! Both Jim and I marveled that something so traumatic could cause something so lovely!

¢Yet isn¦#39;t this stream a picture of what real life is like—or at least of what the Christian life should be like? Our lives are filled with disappointments, crises, tragedies, heartaches, affliction, and struggles—just as Jesus said, (John 16:33)! But the good news is, that as you and I encounter disquieting rocks that impede our progress, disturb our tranquility, break the surface, and redirect our path, God can give us the joy we need to produce sounds of praise to Him.¢

-Elizabeth George, ¢A Woman¦#39;s Walk with God: Growing in the Fruit of the Spirit¢

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¢Joy and happiness. What¦#39;s the difference? Happiness comes from the root hap, which means chance. Happiness is circumstantial. It has to do with life going the way we want it to go and the feeling we experience when that happens.

¢Where happiness is circumstantial, joy is not. Joy is more than happiness. Joy is confidence in God. Joy is confidence in God¦#39;s grace, despite circumstances—despite what happens. Joy is the ability to hold up because we know we are being held up. Joy is the conviction that God is in control of every detail of our lives even when those details appear to be out of control.

¢Joy is confidence in God no matter what happens. Because we¦#39;ve watched God working in so many moments of life—good, bad, confusing, sorrowful, challenging, unfathomable—when we are joyful, we are wrapped up by our observations and held in place, knowing clearly that just as God came through before, he will come through again. Joy has a way of buoying us up in the midst of the unpredictable. We¦#39;re somehow hopeful. Strong. Clear. Confident. We still wonder. We still worry. We still cry and fear and yearn. But beneath all these feelings is the comforting thought that we are held in God¦#39;s hands.¢

-Elisa Morgan, ¢Naked Fruit: Getting Honest about the Fruit of the Spirit¢

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¢Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.¢

James 1:2-4 (NIV)

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 ¢The joy of the Lord is our strength. No wonder it¦#39;s the first thing Satan tries to steal. Joy is a choice. No matter what¦#39;s happening around us, the choice is ours. When finances are tight, when we¦#39;re exhausted from life¦#39;s juggling act, when we¦#39;re stretched as thin as we can be at work, at home, and everywhere in between. When relationships have gone bad—not the way we would choose… We can choose joy. And when we do, our strength is miraculously restored. It¦#39;s not a feeling any more than love is a feeling. It is a decision. A choice. Choose joy.¢

-Marian Redwine, ¢Fresh Fruit: Deepening Your Inner Beauty¢

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¢Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.¢

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)

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Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be your name when I¦#39;m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out I¦#39;ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name when the sun is shining down on me
When the world¦#39;s ¢all that it should be¢ blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there¦#39;s pain in the offering, blessed be Your name

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name

-Matt Redmond, ¢Blessed be the Name¢

Last night my dad told me he was proud of me.

I guess I always knew he was proud of me, but it was good to hear it.

I’m almost 30 years old and I still want approval from my dad.  I don’t do things just to gain his approval, but I’m glad to hear that he’s proud of me.  He’s not a very verbal person so I think it was hard for him to say that.  He also told me that his favorite memory is of my wedding.

I’m glad I got to spend time with him last night.  I hope he kicks this cancer thing in the butt and is around for another 30 years.  I want him to be here for my daughter’s wedding.  I want him to witness the births of his great-grandchildren.  My kids are only 2 & 4 right now.

I love my dad.